Peggy to Tillie

In her Thursday Wall Street Journal Column – writer, elitist (among other things) and now seer; Peggy Noonan – just knows that Donald Trump, the man who wants Mexico to pay for a wall along the border, the man who called immigrants rapists and criminals, the man who threw Jorge Ramos of Univision out of his press conference – is really the man for America’s Hispanic community.

noonanolaSomething is going on, some tectonic plates are moving in interesting ways. My friend Cesar works the deli counter at my neighborhood grocery store. He is Dominican, an immigrant, early 50s, and listens most mornings to a local Hispanic radio station, La Mega, on 97.9 FM. Their morning show is the popular “El Vacilón de la Mañana,” and after the first GOP debate, Cesar told me, they opened the lines to call-ins, asking listeners (mostly Puerto Rican, Dominican, Mexican) for their impressions. More than half called in to say they were for Mr. Trump. Their praise, Cesar told me a few weeks ago, dumbfounded the hosts. I later spoke to one of them, who identified himself as D.J. New Era. He backed Cesar’s story. “We were very surprised,” at the Trump support, he said. Why? “It’s a Latin-based market!”

This is the same Peggy Noonan (there is only ONE) who just knew Mitt Romney was going to win the presidency in 2012 because of all the yard signs she saw

And there’s the thing about the yard signs. In Florida a few weeks ago I saw Romney signs, not Obama ones. From Ohio I hear the same. From tony Northwest Washington, D.C., I hear the same.

And now, because of the hombre in la bodega, she just knows Donald Trump has the Hispanic vote in the bag.

Our crack reporters have captured Peggy doing her research on the Hispanic views of Trump.

Peggy unobtrusively sneaks into her favorite bodega in East Harlem – the one where she gets her Mai Tai mix

seer3and here is her favorite deli counter man – the one who sells Mai Tai mix, Advil, tabac,and condoms all while listening to La Mega
Hola Senora Noonanita. Que Pasa? Yo amo Donaldo Trump

Hola Senora Noonanita. Que pasa? Necesita ningún condones? Te amo Donaldo Trump

 Peggy te queremos
noonaneratu

The Morning Quote

"Where are the rabbits, George?"

“Where are the rabbits, George?”

To me, the provisions in this [Iran] deal are like telling teenage boys, not only can you have the doors closed, but we got to shout up the stairs before we walk up the steps, ‘Hey, we’re coming up to check and see what you’re doing. Just want to give you advance notice.’ It makes no sense.

Sweet Baby Jeebus this man is stupid. Nuclear weapons and all the infrastructure that they include to build them are not a Playboy magazine quickly hidden under the mattress. You’d think that the search for the never-found WMDs of Chimpy’s Great Adventure would be sort of a reference point, wouldn’t ya?

Petunia and Pals Wins The Morning!

Petunia and Pals will be confused about toys?

Brian Kilmeade (the Dumb One) is confused by which side of the burger goes on the grill first, too, so there’s that.

One Lump of Stupid or Two, Gov. Pence

Where Are They Now

Gov. Pence: wooden, but not sharp.

Gov. Pence: wooden, but not sharp.

Indiana Governor Mike Pence, the dumb as a stump and termite ridden Republican promoter of Indiana’s infamous We Don’t Serve Your Kind law was asked about a anti-discrimination law for LGBT people:

When asked whether he views the need for an anti-discrimination law solely through an economic lens, the governor boasted that since he took office in 2013 more than 110,000 new jobs have been created, and Hoosier businesses this year already have promised to invest $3 billion in the state.”

I guess that answers the question, and that answer is yes.

“I really do believe that we found a way through that difficult period last spring to calm the waters, and the facts speak for themselves: Indiana’s economy is strong and growing stronger.”

“…We’re going to move forward on the policies that are making that a reality, and we’ll leave debates about the future for the future.”

Translation from the original weasel-speak about the difficult period: when he tried to implement a Christian Theocracy to openly discriminate against gay people. And when Pence says that his state’s economy is strong, what he means below average. And about the future? It looks like it will involve going into the witness protection program.

Petunia and Pals Wins The Day

There’s stupid and then there’s Petunia:

A cigarette as a weapon? Really?

Petunia and Pals Wins The Morning!

The Dumb One wonders why no one clears the water of sharks before a surfing competition.

The Original Petunia…

Petunia…and still the best SPEAKS!

The war on Christmas continues even in June!

News That Will Drive You To Drink: Jade Helm Comes To Texas!

Because we love a good correction

Allen WestWhen Sharia comes to Walmart (and so does Allen West)

OMG, you guys! Allen West, Demon Mooselun Hunter, was Sharia’ed! In Texas! In a Walmart! Jade Helm 15!!1!1!1!!

Anyway, West believes that a walmart clerk didn’t sell booze because West thinks the clerk, just like The Kenyan Usurper is a musloom:

“There was a young man doing the checkout and another Walmart employee came over and put up a sign, “No alcohol products in this lane.” So being the inquisitive fella I am, I used my additional set of eyes — glasses — to see the young checkout man’s name. Let me just say it was NOT “Steve.”

My guess is that West sprang for those X-Ray glasses in the back of comic books, too. Word to West: I’ve met some Jews named Christian. Notice how West was not buying booze himself (a-hem) in his story of daring-do infiltrating the calphate of Texasstan’s Walmart…

“I pointed the sign out to Aubrey and her response was a simple question, how is it that this Muslim employee could refuse service to customers based on his religious beliefs, but Christians are being forced to participate in specific events contrary to their religious beliefs?”

And then there’s the inevitable correction to ruin his good time being a martyr:

“EDITOR’S UPDATE: We spoke to the Walmart store, and apparently employees under 21 years old are prohibited from selling cigarettes and alcohol.”

So… check out the URL before the post title was changed: http://allenbwest.com/2015/05/sharia-law-comes-to-walmart/

One Lump of Stupid or Two, Dinesh?

Is this the face that launched a thousand derps?

Our favorite documentarian fabulist, convicted felon, fired Y’all Qaeda business school dean, and would-be bigamist D’VORCE D’SPOUSA appealed to Manhattan federal Judge Richard Berman to have a summer vacation from his time in the slammer:

“With respect to [his parole officer’s ] request that Mr. D’Souza’s community service hours be ‘waived’ from June 1, 2015 until July 13, 2015, the request is respectfully denied,” Berman wrote.

“The short explanation is, as all criminal defendants are aware, that we don’t provide ‘summer breaks’ in these circumstances.”

Oh, man! D’Vorce D’Spousa even included a recent Vanity Fair article to help sway the judge to let him have time off:

“With respect to the Vanity Fair article, the court has no immediate reaction other than the article suggests several fertile areas of discussion during Mr. D’Souza’s required therapeutic counseling,” wrote Berman.”

So the long and the short of it is that D’Vorce D’Spousa is now a political prisoner (thanks Obama!) and the judge thinks he needs to seek out help. The End.

News That Will Drive You To Drink

Free-range Conspiracy Theorist Glenn Beck

Free-range Conspiracy Theorist Glenn Beck

Free-range conspiracy theorist Glenn Beck takes on the issue of the day: HRClinton’s Twitter followers:

“She can’t even be honest about the fans on her social media sites. A study was done of her Facebook page. Again, we had to go across the ocean. We had to go to I think it was The Guardian in England to get anybody in the media to do a job. They found something odd about her followers. Seven percent of her followers were from Baghdad. That’s not really comforting or real. And on Twitter, it was revealed that 15%, about 544,000 of her Twitter followers, are bogus accounts.

If her team is willing to lie about Facebook and Twitter fans and make people up just out of whole cloth, what else are they willing to lie about?

Interesting premise, but let’s do a little investigation of our own. First off all, it wasn’t the (usually excellent) Guardian, it was the (always wretched) The Daily Fail, er, Mail that worked out that HRC has some bogus followers.

Let’s dive into the Fail:

StatusPeople.com, the oldest publicly available Twitter-auditing tool, reports that 44 per cent of the former secretary of state’s followers are ‘good’; 15 per cent are ‘fake’; and 41 per cent are ‘inactive,’ meaning that they never tweet or reply to any tweets.

…Another tool, TwitterAudit.com, sampled 320,000 of Mrs. Clinton’s followers and found that 18 per cent were fake.

Chilling, no? But just for shits and giggles, let’s see what happens when we run Glenn Beck through the same analytic services!

Glenn Beck Faker Status April 16, 2015

Glenn Beck Faker Status April 16, 2015

Twitter Audit Glenn Beck

Jeebus, Beck, you are slipping. That was too E-Z.

UPDATED: just checked my own scores, and I’m pleased as punch to report…
Screen Shot 2015-04-16 at 8.06.23 PM

and

Screen Shot 2015-04-16 at 8.07.39 PM

I beat Beck like a rented mule’s red-headed stepson.