The Original Petunia…

Petunia…and still the best SPEAKS!

The war on Christmas continues even in June!

News That Will Drive You To Drink: Jade Helm Comes To Texas!

Because we love a good correction

Allen WestWhen Sharia comes to Walmart (and so does Allen West)

OMG, you guys! Allen West, Demon Mooselun Hunter, was Sharia’ed! In Texas! In a Walmart! Jade Helm 15!!1!1!1!!

Anyway, West believes that a walmart clerk didn’t sell booze because West thinks the clerk, just like The Kenyan Usurper is a musloom:

“There was a young man doing the checkout and another Walmart employee came over and put up a sign, “No alcohol products in this lane.” So being the inquisitive fella I am, I used my additional set of eyes — glasses — to see the young checkout man’s name. Let me just say it was NOT “Steve.”

My guess is that West sprang for those X-Ray glasses in the back of comic books, too. Word to West: I’ve met some Jews named Christian. Notice how West was not buying booze himself (a-hem) in his story of daring-do infiltrating the calphate of Texasstan’s Walmart…

“I pointed the sign out to Aubrey and her response was a simple question, how is it that this Muslim employee could refuse service to customers based on his religious beliefs, but Christians are being forced to participate in specific events contrary to their religious beliefs?”

And then there’s the inevitable correction to ruin his good time being a martyr:

“EDITOR’S UPDATE: We spoke to the Walmart store, and apparently employees under 21 years old are prohibited from selling cigarettes and alcohol.”

So… check out the URL before the post title was changed: http://allenbwest.com/2015/05/sharia-law-comes-to-walmart/

One Lump of Stupid or Two, Dinesh?

Is this the face that launched a thousand derps?

Our favorite documentarian fabulist, convicted felon, fired Y’all Qaeda business school dean, and would-be bigamist D’VORCE D’SPOUSA appealed to Manhattan federal Judge Richard Berman to have a summer vacation from his time in the slammer:

“With respect to [his parole officer’s ] request that Mr. D’Souza’s community service hours be ‘waived’ from June 1, 2015 until July 13, 2015, the request is respectfully denied,” Berman wrote.

“The short explanation is, as all criminal defendants are aware, that we don’t provide ‘summer breaks’ in these circumstances.”

Oh, man! D’Vorce D’Spousa even included a recent Vanity Fair article to help sway the judge to let him have time off:

“With respect to the Vanity Fair article, the court has no immediate reaction other than the article suggests several fertile areas of discussion during Mr. D’Souza’s required therapeutic counseling,” wrote Berman.”

So the long and the short of it is that D’Vorce D’Spousa is now a political prisoner (thanks Obama!) and the judge thinks he needs to seek out help. The End.

News That Will Drive You To Drink

Free-range Conspiracy Theorist Glenn Beck

Free-range Conspiracy Theorist Glenn Beck

Free-range conspiracy theorist Glenn Beck takes on the issue of the day: HRClinton’s Twitter followers:

“She can’t even be honest about the fans on her social media sites. A study was done of her Facebook page. Again, we had to go across the ocean. We had to go to I think it was The Guardian in England to get anybody in the media to do a job. They found something odd about her followers. Seven percent of her followers were from Baghdad. That’s not really comforting or real. And on Twitter, it was revealed that 15%, about 544,000 of her Twitter followers, are bogus accounts.

If her team is willing to lie about Facebook and Twitter fans and make people up just out of whole cloth, what else are they willing to lie about?

Interesting premise, but let’s do a little investigation of our own. First off all, it wasn’t the (usually excellent) Guardian, it was the (always wretched) The Daily Fail, er, Mail that worked out that HRC has some bogus followers.

Let’s dive into the Fail:

StatusPeople.com, the oldest publicly available Twitter-auditing tool, reports that 44 per cent of the former secretary of state’s followers are ‘good'; 15 per cent are ‘fake'; and 41 per cent are ‘inactive,’ meaning that they never tweet or reply to any tweets.

…Another tool, TwitterAudit.com, sampled 320,000 of Mrs. Clinton’s followers and found that 18 per cent were fake.

Chilling, no? But just for shits and giggles, let’s see what happens when we run Glenn Beck through the same analytic services!

Glenn Beck Faker Status April 16, 2015

Glenn Beck Faker Status April 16, 2015

Twitter Audit Glenn Beck

Jeebus, Beck, you are slipping. That was too E-Z.

UPDATED: just checked my own scores, and I’m pleased as punch to report…
Screen Shot 2015-04-16 at 8.06.23 PM

and

Screen Shot 2015-04-16 at 8.07.39 PM

I beat Beck like a rented mule’s red-headed stepson.

And So Now You Know!

hitler-and-unicornsIf they had a time machine, men would be more likely than women to travel to pre-World War II Europe and kill Hitler, according to a recently published study.

…According to the study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, both men and women calculated the consequences of such a difficult decision, but women felt more conflicted about committing murder.

[Haaretz]

But of course, PJ Media is already on it as only they can be (not linking obvs, but trust me on this): What’s Wrong with Women?

“It’s not murder; it’s a mercy killing.

Let’s get one thing straight — Hitler was evil. No matter what, he was going to end up dead in a bunker somewhere, surrounded by the death and destruction he himself wrought.

There’s no reason for any handwringing. You simply kill Hitler at the first available opportunity.”

Next up on PJMedia: “What if you were Spiderman?”

Your Three Martini Stupid Is Served, Glenn Beck

Protesting against Indiana’s We Dont Serve Your Kind law logically concludes at concentration camps, or at least so says free-range conspiracy theorist Glenn Beck:

Petunia and Pals Wins The Morning!

(Politically) Dead Man Talking

“I believe in the Golden Rule that you should ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’ If I saw a restaurant owner refuse to serve a gay couple, I wouldn’t eat there anymore…As governor of Indiana, if I were presented a bill that legalized discrimination against any person or group, I would veto it.”

But you didn’t Mike, and no amount of bleating and mewling will change the fact that you did sign exactly such a bill. So you are either dumb as a stump, or a liar. Personally I think you are both.

And really saying you walked across the Edmund Pettus Bridge in Selma, so therefore you cannot be a bigot is offensive. I’m waiting for the some-of-my-best-friends moment.

Your Saturday Bottomless Mug of Stupid: Sippy Cupp Edition

Looks like the Mayo read S.E. Cupp's column today.

Looks like the Mayo read S.E. Cupp’s column today.

I really thought I was being trolled:

Tribune Content Agency is proud to add columnist, author and broadcast commentator S.E. Cupp to our roster of Premium Content creators. We invite you to try Cupp’s new syndicated weekly column for a free 60-day trial via Tribune News Service.

Proud of that, are they? It’s a big world.

S.E. Cupp provides a fresh and nuanced conservative viewpoint tackling topics across the spectrum and engaging audiences with stylish writing and clear thinking.

Clear Thinking?

“S.E. Cupp always adds a lively voice to the political discussion,” said John Barron, editor and general manager at Tribune Content Agency. “When taking on complex and controversial topics, she will always leave a reader with new knowledge, new perspectives and maybe even a change of mind.”

And as an example of Cupp’s lively voice taking on a controversial topic, here she is at TownHall exhorting Conservatives, Get Serious in which she spends an entire column persuading conservatives to not take seriously novelty 2016 Goat Rodeo candidate Ben Carson, without seemingly understanding that no one takes Carson seriously, least of all the Confederacy.

And as if on cue…

The 3-Martini Stupid

First off, my apologies for making you listen to the high-pitched squeal of Ted Cruz, especially when it is so hard to follow his incomprehensible rhetoric. Here’s the pertinent quote:

“Today the global warming alarmists are the equivalent of the flat-Earthers. You know it used to be it is accepted scientific wisdom the Earth is flat, and this heretic named Galileo was branded a denier.”

Galileo’s observations proved that the earth was not the center of the universe, he had nothing to do with flat earth. Secondly, Galileo was right, and his methodology was to look at the evidence and see where it took him; the theocrats with their common knowledge were wrong. So… Isn’t Cruz saying he’s a flat earther, and that he’s wrong and the scientists are right?

How did Cruz ever make it out of law school if he cannot follow or construct an analogy that makes sense.

Some Fries With Your Stupid, Andrea Tantaros?

Get Off The Cross, We Need The Wood

Snow days are conspiring with Libtards to strip Xristians of holy days.

Jeebus, some people.