Say Good Bye To Petunia II

Petunia and Pals Wins The Morning!

Petunia and Pals Wins The Morning!

We shed a tear today when we learned that Petunia II, Elizabeth Hasselbeck will be retiring from The Curvy Couch of Dumb to allegedly spend more time with her family and less time with the Dumb One and the Other Dumb One:

“Oftentimes, the most difficult decisions are between two great things. Throughout my 14 years working in television, I have never experienced a more positive and thoughtful atmosphere than FOX News Channel, thanks to the strong leadership of (FOX News Chairman & CEO) Roger Ailes, who has created the best working environment a woman and mother could ask for. His understanding, compassion, and kindness was exemplified when I shared with him that I am entering into a season where I want to start my day with my children first, and he offered his blessing to do so. With a heart full of gratitude and the peace that God has given me, I am confident that this personal decision is the right one for our family, and we will be joining all of you watching Fox & Friends each morning as we get ready for school together.”

Let’s see: she hasn’t been home for breakfast in 14 years and now that Junior is shaving, she wants to put Cheerios in his bowl and force him to watch her old show? Two words: Geneva Convention.


Anyway, Petunia II took over from the original Petunia (and still the best) Gretchen Carlson when she fled the couch. Petunia and Pals will have a series of guest hosts while Roger Ailes tests out a new blonde hair dye formulation on random women to see who will be Petunia III.

One Lump of Stupid or Two, Ben Carson

Carson said WHAT?!

Carson said WHAT?!

Tiger Beat on the Potomac (thanks Charlie!) wins the morning as they breathlessly tell us that ‘Bennie the Blade’ Carson compares Syrian refugees to dogs:

Speaking to reporters following a campaign stop in Mobile, Alabama, Carson stressed that the United States wants smart leaders who care about people, but noted there should always be a balance between safety and humanitarian concerns.

“For instance, you know, if there is a rabid dog running around your neighborhood, you’re probably not going to assume something good about that dog, and you’re probably gonna put your children out of the way,” Carson said. “Doesn’t mean that you hate all dogs by any stretch of the imagination.”

Continuing his analogy, the Republican presidential candidate said that screening refugees is like questioning how you protect your children, even though you love dogs and will call the Humane Society to take the dog away to reestablish a safe environment.

“By the same token, we have to have in place screening mechanisms that allow us to determine who the mad dogs are, quite frankly,” he added. “Who are the people who wanna come in here and hurt us and wanna destroy us? Until we know how to do that, just like it would be foolish to put your child out in the neighborhood knowing that that was going on, it’s foolish for us to accept people if we cannot have the appropriate type of screening.”

So I guess those stories from earlier in the week that Carson was unable to absorb intelligence briefings has a basis in fact. This is diplomacy 101 level stuff.

Frank Luntz Speaks!


I hate to break the news to you, Frankie, but Democrats are Americans, too.

One Lump of Stupid or Two, Dr. Carson

Bennie 'The Blade' Carson

Bennie ‘The Blade’ Carson

Amateur Egyptologist and noted grain storage scholar Ben Carson turns his ag-economic eye to stop close to 100% of undocumented immigrants (after you build the double-fence with an asphalt road between for the entire length of the border): you give them incentives to stay put.

So would that be to end NAFTA, which pretty much destroyed local agriculture in Latin/Central America by dumping our tax-payer subsidized crops on them?

Let’s listen to his plan:

He wants to teach the farmers how to farm? And he wants the profits to benefit American Big Ag?

The Quotable Sen. Tom Cotton

Folks is dumb where I come from...

Folks is dumb where I come from…

“At a certain point when disability keeps climbing and become endemic, employers will struggle to find employees or begin or continue to move out of the area,” he said. “The population continues to fall and a downward spiral kicks in, driving once thriving communities into further decline.”

“Not only that, but once this spiral begins, communities could begin to suffer other social plagues as well, such as heroin or meth addiction and associated crime.”

Got it. Social Security disability insurance = addiction to heroin and or meth, and that’s why we should cut up the social safety net.

Let’s Give It Up For The Tangerine Dream!

I’m kind of shocked that Y’all Qaeda hates The Kenyan Usurper so much that they would cheer for the news that Weepy has resigned. You see, they blame HIM for not stopping Obama somehow.

Popcorn, anyone?

Popcorn, anyone?

And so now the Crazies are running amok. I dare the Media to ignore that the Republicans have gone off the rails. I double-dog dare them to do a both sides story. And as the inevitable power grab stories start surfacing—while a presidential campaign is on-going—it will dog the candidate from The Confederacy until election day.

Eiron, the Goddess of Irony, laughed so hard she farted:

You cannot make this s*** up:

“They have illegally put my wife in jail…”

“So we’re going to ask [Governor] Beshear to do his job or step down.”

The Stupid is really strong in this one.

Peggy to Tillie

In her Thursday Wall Street Journal Column – writer, elitist (among other things) and now seer; Peggy Noonan – just knows that Donald Trump, the man who wants Mexico to pay for a wall along the border, the man who called immigrants rapists and criminals, the man who threw Jorge Ramos of Univision out of his press conference – is really the man for America’s Hispanic community.

noonanolaSomething is going on, some tectonic plates are moving in interesting ways. My friend Cesar works the deli counter at my neighborhood grocery store. He is Dominican, an immigrant, early 50s, and listens most mornings to a local Hispanic radio station, La Mega, on 97.9 FM. Their morning show is the popular “El Vacilón de la Mañana,” and after the first GOP debate, Cesar told me, they opened the lines to call-ins, asking listeners (mostly Puerto Rican, Dominican, Mexican) for their impressions. More than half called in to say they were for Mr. Trump. Their praise, Cesar told me a few weeks ago, dumbfounded the hosts. I later spoke to one of them, who identified himself as D.J. New Era. He backed Cesar’s story. “We were very surprised,” at the Trump support, he said. Why? “It’s a Latin-based market!”

This is the same Peggy Noonan (there is only ONE) who just knew Mitt Romney was going to win the presidency in 2012 because of all the yard signs she saw

And there’s the thing about the yard signs. In Florida a few weeks ago I saw Romney signs, not Obama ones. From Ohio I hear the same. From tony Northwest Washington, D.C., I hear the same.

And now, because of the hombre in la bodega, she just knows Donald Trump has the Hispanic vote in the bag.

Our crack reporters have captured Peggy doing her research on the Hispanic views of Trump.

Peggy unobtrusively sneaks into her favorite bodega in East Harlem – the one where she gets her Mai Tai mix

seer3and here is her favorite deli counter man – the one who sells Mai Tai mix, Advil, tabac,and condoms all while listening to La Mega
Hola Senora Noonanita. Que Pasa? Yo amo Donaldo Trump

Hola Senora Noonanita. Que pasa? Necesita ningún condones? Te amo Donaldo Trump

 Peggy te queremos

The Morning Quote

"Where are the rabbits, George?"

“Where are the rabbits, George?”

To me, the provisions in this [Iran] deal are like telling teenage boys, not only can you have the doors closed, but we got to shout up the stairs before we walk up the steps, ‘Hey, we’re coming up to check and see what you’re doing. Just want to give you advance notice.’ It makes no sense.

Sweet Baby Jeebus this man is stupid. Nuclear weapons and all the infrastructure that they include to build them are not a Playboy magazine quickly hidden under the mattress. You’d think that the search for the never-found WMDs of Chimpy’s Great Adventure would be sort of a reference point, wouldn’t ya?

Petunia and Pals Wins The Morning!

Petunia and Pals will be confused about toys?

Brian Kilmeade (the Dumb One) is confused by which side of the burger goes on the grill first, too, so there’s that.