Here’s Your Stupid, On The Rocks

News that will drive you to drink

kick-me machine

But you keep your head in the sand as they now double-down with the Satanic curriculum of Common Core. What words don’t you understand? Common…core. Common core will lead to an pandemic of Spiritual Ebola. Ebola does to the immune system what public schools do to the moral system.

Our old pal, Coach Dave writing in the blog-like thingie of Matt Barber, the man who only thinks about hot, sweaty man-on-man sex with thighs like pistons that can pump all night.

Some Stupid For Your Coffee?

This morning’s Aspertame comes to us via World Nut Daily, with ancient hate goblin Phyllis Schlafly.

President Obama’s looming executive action on immigration reform represents a Fort Sumter-type moment, according to conservative icon Phyllis Schlafly.

Schlafly at first considered comparing the Obama amnesty to the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor but decided that Obama’s plan is much more subtle.

“With Pearl Harbor, the American people knew what was happening,” she said.

But Fort Sumter, where the opening shots of the Civil War were fired, represented the beginning of a ruinous conflict, and Schlafly, like fellow conservative luminary Richard Viguerie, speculates that an executive amnesty might touch off a sort of modern-day conflagration.

Bad Statues, Cont.

Bronze Fonz

Ladies and Gentiles: The Bronze Fonz. Nuff said, but for sure what my 3AM nightmare will include.

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Zombie Rotten McDonald)

Yes, we are looking for more Bad, well, Everything. If you find something (an ad, a sign, a gift, technology, packaging, history, headline…), shoot me a note (or just shoot me) at Tengrain “AT” Mockpaperscissors “DOT” com. Don’t be the last Scissorhead on your block to play!

It’s Lonely Here…

Please recall that the KKK claims to be a Christian organization.

Please recall that the KKK claims to be a Christian organization.

…but it is getting better on the Theocracy Beat. Brother Charlie Pierce’s cohort and writing pal at Esquire Robert Bateman has noticed what we’ve spent nearly a decade screaming about: the slow, creeping theocracy of the Republican Party:

No, you know what? When I see Christian Fundamentalists beheading people whom they believe “God Told Them To Kill”, right here in the states, I’m thinking that perhaps Mr. Huckabee’s rabble-rousing motivation and encouragement to more Christian Fundamentalists to become even more extreme might not be good for the nation. One begins to wonder how directly the zealot political leaders like Huckabee may be culpable.

…and then he goes into the detail of one Xristian Xrazie who killed someone. It seems the Xrazie was watching YouTube videos from (maybe?) Huckabee and his ilk and decided to kill a friend of his brother’s who was playing cards. We covered the story months ago, but it doesn’t matter much to me: Esquire is a huge platform.

The greatest threat to our Democracy isn’t terrorism, it’s theocracy and probably Xristian theocracy is a greater threat to most of us than any other sort.

Welcome to the beat, Esquire. It is really good to have you with us.

Happy Hour News Briefs

News that will drive you to drink

Rev. Fishsticks tells us that a mooselum service in the National Cathedral was an act of sabotage! Spiritual Sabotage!

  • 2016 Goat Rodeo Update! - That frothy mix of lube and fecal matter Rick Santorum has announced that he will announce his decision to run for Preznint in June! (Spoiler: Frothy’s running.) I guess he’s waiting to produce some more tasty Santorum Jelly to give out on the campaign trail (Eww! Gross!)
  • Matt Barber, the man who only thinks about hot, sweaty man-on-man sex with thighs like pistons that can pump all night, likens Scott Lively (The man who absolutely would cast the first stone to kill the gays) to Sweet Baby Jeebus. Really. (World Nut Daily)
  • The Friendly Atheist compares and contrasts the various Y’all Qaeda Naughty and Nice Lists that are already appearing everywhere. Guess what?! One Xristian Xrazie’s demonically possessed store is another’s godly emporium! They’re so consistent…

Bad Statues, Cont.

I SAID HOLD THE PICKLE

“I said no pickles, dammit!”

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Moeman — if you are the adventurous type, you can visit the The Mountjoy Center for the Appreciation of Cultural Delights, and I suppose in some sad, sick way we are announcing the return of the collection, you sick bastards. )