Best Wishes To Kevin Drum

Mother Jones’ Kevin Drum has been diagnosed with cancer. We send our best wishes (and prayers, such as they are) to Mr. Drum and we hope for a speedy recovery.

Happy Hour News Briefs

News that will drive you to drink

Another meeting for the staff of free-range conspiracy theorist Glenn Beck. We should start a betting pool for which one of these poor suckers leaps first and beats that doofus about the head and shoulders with a copy of Strunk and White’s The Elements of Style.

  • Friend of Gay Pride Parades everywhere, the Catholic League’s president Bill Donohue is calling for a Constitutional Amendment to codify discrimination against gay people marrying.
  • 1, 2, 3, Simple As Bread - Perhaps Ol’ Bill should look at the simple 14-step plan to stop Marriage Equality in its tracks.
  • World Nut Daily Presents the Lament of Patrick J. Buchanan, What ever became of our can-do nation? Hint for Pat: you skip over all the Republican Administrations of the last half century, and that might hold the key for you.

Rand Paul’s Dorm Room

Rand-Paul-Typical-Stoners

Picture this: it’s three AM, the pizza boxes and empty beer cans are strewn about and in the smokey mist, all the undergrads are pontificating about how they will fix the world, you know, when their generation is in charge.

They hear a noise from a far corner of the suite, the bong is put down reverently, and immigrant-dodging land-speed record holder and shag-carpet topped Sen. Aqua Buddha takes the floor. All heads turn to him, dewy co-eds bat their eyes and the bros try to focus on his words:

“Our foreign policy should consist of, “Don’t be stupid.” The Aqua Buddhist takes another bodacious hit from the bong, and adds, “man.”

OK, I saved you the time from listening to his actual speech that he gave to The Center for the National Interest, a think tank founded by Richard Nixon. I don’t know if he payed a licensing fee to Google for essentially borrowing their moronic mission statement (unobserved) “Don’t Be Evil,” but I kinda doubt that a known plagiarist would do that.

Seriously, here are some of the things he said in his brave speech:

  1. “War is necessary when America is attacked or threatened, when vital American interests are attacked and threatened, and when we have exhausted all other measures short of war.”
  2. “Congress, the people’s representative, must authorize the decision to intervene.”
  3. “Peace and security require a commitment to diplomacy and leadership.”
  4. “We are only as strong as our economy.”

As one of my writing professors once said to me, never turn down a good aphorism, and I cannot think of a single freshman at Cal that would disagree with any of Paul’s statements.

But my favorite quote has got to be:

“America shouldn’t fight wars where the best outcome is stalemate.”

Or maybe it’s this one:

“America should and will fight wars when the consequences—intended and unintended—are worth the sacrifice.”

Remember the three AM scenario at the top of this post? Yeah, I think that was when he wrote that line.

Some Fries With Your Stupid?

“You know my attitude was it’s important not to create a panic and it’s important not to overreact and the doctors were absolutely certain that this can not be transmitted and it was not airborne and yet we find out the people who have contracted it were wearing all protective gear.”

—Rep. Peter King, who is most definitely not a scientist.

There’s Santorum On Your Radio (Ew, Gross!)

rick-santorum-busy-fist

That frothy mix of lube and fecal matter Rick Santorum believes that The Youte of Today would be down with hating on the ‘mos, if the Lavender Menace hadn’t silenced the Church:

“The arguments are being won among young people. We are losing in this particular area among young people not because we’re out there and competing, it’s because they have effectively silenced the church on a lot of those issues and young people don’t even know what the opposing view is on these issues.”

(Right Wing Watch)

Happy Hour News Briefs

News that will drive you to drink

Someone in L.A. needs to check on the big rock over St. Ronnie’s crypt to see if Crazy Unkka Pat is right.

  • BarbWire, the blog-like thingy of Matt Barber, the man who only thinks about hot, sweaty man-on-man sex with thighs like pistons that can pump all night, knows what women want:

    Women of America…it looks like more of you are finally listening to your intuition and that inner, God given ability to identify smooth talking liars. You finally realize that Obama is not making you feel safer and you trust Republicans more… Real women in America want freedom, God in charge; opportunity to thrive with their business ideas; a safe place to raise their children; schools that are reliable – protected from intruders and don’t rewrite history while pushing sex agendas. Women want our borders protected, radical Islam pushed back and fascist/Marxist/communist agendas destroyed. Real women want Christian values and morals leading in America again…not Islam, New world order or other socialist/communist bull rot… Real women in America want God fearing, Constitution and freedom loving servants serving in the HOUSE and SENATE. We are sick of the egomaniac who has taken over the White House. We demand that real men be real men…not this fake ‘metro-sexual’ garbage. Real men are not sound bite experts. They don’t say the perfect thing at the perfect time. They don’t always smell right, look right are [sic] act right but they 99,9% of the time do right. Women want men with integrity, grit, and courage and yes…honor who love right and fight right.

    Take THAT, all you false women!

  • And as long as we are over at BarbWire, we couldn’t help but notice that our old pal Coach Dave is now writing for them, you know, about gay stuff.

    …how can a lesbian get elected to the highest office in the city of Houston in the first place? If we are “not of this world” what does it matter? If the pastors in Houston are so hell-bent on following Romans 13, then why would they object to turning over copies of their sermons? Come on girls, turn over the evidence. Uncle Sam wants to see what you have been saying about him.

    I don’t know why they are worried. Most of them have not said a damn thing about lesbianism and the frontal assault on Christianity the homosexuals have been engaged in for the last three decades. How do I know? The mayor ran as an “out and proud” lesbian and got elected. Why would the pastors be surprised when she swings the strong sword of government against her enemies?

  • And that leads up to Mike ‘Uncle Sugar’ Huckabee, whom we are assured is saddling up for The 2016 Goat Rodeo! That is, if he can break away from Rupert Murdoch’s sweet, sweet money.

Some Stupid For Your Coffee?

baby  sitting my way

Alaska Rep. Don Young (Republican, but you could probably have figured it out on your own) continues his unseemly descent into unchartered territory as he continues to defend his previous unchartered comments about suicide (Emphasis mine)

[Suicide] is not a disease. It is an illness,” he continued. “Now a lot of times that illness should be recognized by a support group and it should be supported by the teachers that recognize this person has an illness. He needs help. Is it his parents or is it his friends who are not supporting him?”

The congressmen went on to say that there were less suicides when he first moved to Alaska because people worked hard, and didn’t take government handouts.

“When people had to work and had to provide and had to keep warm by putting participation in cutting wood and catching the fish and killing the animals, we didn’t have the suicide problem,” Young opined, adding that government handouts were “saying you are not worth anything but you are going to get something for nothing,”

So, suicide is an illness caused by goodness and charity, or there were no suicides until you got to Alaskastan, eh? Which is it Don?

Happy Hour News Briefs

News that will drive you to drink

Your Daily Gohmert – Screwie Louie, this word massages, I don’t think it means what you think it means.

  • NYTimes sex-phobic scold Cardinal Ross Douthat, oopsie, spoke at a fundraiser for Alliance Defending Freedom (ADF). ADF is known mostly for wanting to re-criminalize homosexuality in the United States (literally, they would lock up in prison Ellen and Neil Patrick Harris, and they have cheered-on Russian oppression). Anyway, since then he’s issued his non-apology:

    On Wednesday, Douthat explained that he did not know ADF’s event was a fundraiser and said he plans to decline the honorarium he received from the event.

    “I was not aware in advance that this event was a fundraiser and had I known, I would not have agreed to participate,” he said in a statement issued to Media Matters through the Times Wednesday. “I was invited by an events organizing group, not by ADF directly. I understood this to be a public conversation about religious liberty. This is my fault for not doing my due diligence, and I will be declining the honorarium.”

    Notice that L’il Ross isn’t apologizing for associating with bigots of the first order, and he’s not apologizing for speaking to them, either. He’s only apologizing for speaking to them at a fundraiser, which he claims he did not know about, but if you watch the video on Media Matters, it is pretty obvious that ADF are fundraising from the very stage during the event.

  • Hurt Fee-Fees - American Family Association says that the big meanie Southern Poverty Law Center calling them a hate group is just mean and arbitrary. In the meanwhile, here is the AFA’s own cuddly Rev. Fishsticks doubling down on calling the LGBTQ Rainbow the Mark of the Beast, and hating on the ‘mos.
  • Save the Date! - Nov. 2 is the I Stand Sunday hate-a-palooza being put on by famous hate group Family Research Council, and will star Gomer, The Duck Dynasty grifters, The Frosted Tip Twins, and more theocrats than there are stars in the night sky!

Some Stupid For Your Coffee

Animal husbandry enthusiast IA senate candidate Joni Ernst returns a pig stye to present some of her policy ideas, including what has to be the worst idea ever: a balanced budget amendment.

Happy Hour News Briefs

News that will drive you to drink

Grifter-prophet-entrepreneur Jim Bakker hopes you will enjoy his desserts after the coming apocalypse, so order now!

  • Spending More Time With Family - Litigious person and some-time movie actor Matt Staver has resigned as Dean of Jerry Falwell’s (now fully accredited) Liberty Law School.
  • Ex-terrorist (more likely an actor/grifter) Kamal Saleem has co-authored a novel with… wait for it… retired Army general and Family Research Council vice president Jerry Boykin! You may recall Boykin from his active duty days under Commander-in-Chief Chimpy McStagger calling for a holy crusade against the infidels, and saying such things as how his god was more powerful than theirs. (No link, you can find it yourselves on Amazon for pre-order.)
  • He Seems Nice:

    As a final note, if you have a problem with me using terms like “queer,” “homosexual,” and “sodomite,” you might want to check yourself. This is what these people are. They are not “gay.” They are degenerates and they have your children as a target. If you don’t stand up to them Christians and get rid of your spineless, easily offended thin-skinned, you are going to get steamrolled and your children will be the ultimate victims. Call on your elected officials to enforce the state laws, which remain on the books against the sodomites…..for the sake of the gospel and the sake of your children!

    That was Tim Brown, and his bio states that he “is an author and Editor at FreedomOutpost.com, husband to his wife, father of 10, jack of all trades, Christian and lover of liberty. He resides in the U.S. occupied Great State of South Carolina. Tim is also an affiliate for the brand new Joshua Mark 5 AR/AK hybrid semi-automatic rifle,” writing at BarbWire, the blog-like thingie of Matt Barber, the man who only thinks about hot, sweaty man-on-man sex with thighs like pistons that can pump all night.