Theocrats Are Building a Stairway To Heaven


I’ve been thinking a lot about what our old pal One-L has been peddling since her forced retirement from grifting the people of Minnesota:

“Almost every article in the paper” has to do with conflicts in Israel, Bachmann said, “and it ties with so much biblical prophecy. This week really was about biblical prophecy in many ways. And we’re seeing as events are speeding up, events are speeding up so quickly right now, and we see how relevant the Bible is, and we’re reading our newspaper, at the same time we’re learning about these biblical events, and it’s literally day by day by day, we’re seeing the fulfillment of scripture right in front of our eyes, even while we’re on the ground.”

“We recognize the shortness of the hour,” she said, “and that’s why we as a remnant want to be faithful in these days and do what it is that the Holy Spirit is speaking to each one of us, to be faithful in the Kingdom and to help bring in as many as we can — even among the Jews — share Jesus Christ with everyone that we possibly can because, again, He’s coming soon.”

…because her End of Days joy is exactly the flip side of the ISIS theology. The goal of both is the end of the world. The Debbil is in the details.

I personally find it disconcerting when theocrats of every stripe are aligning as if they are hearing the same thing from a host of demented angels. The comedic novelist Christopher Moore postulates (in The Stupidest Angel, which if you have not read you must for The Holidays) that angels are attracted to crazy people. Something about the energy crazy people emit and because when crazy people talk about seeing/talking to angels, well, no one believes them because they are crazy. But I digress.

ISIS is as much of a doomsday cult as evangelical Christianity is. I did not understand the importance of the Last Caliphate when I would read about ISIS, and finally looked it up. Did you know that there is an Islamic equivalent to the Book of Revelations, a step-by-step guide as it were to how to bring about The Big Bang, just like Revelations? Bachmann and her ilk are reading from one instruction set, and ISIS from the other.

Anyway, the Islamic version has The Last Caliphate, and it is a territory large enough to be its own country and thus inspiring the final showdown with the rest of the world. That ISIS now is now achieving that goal is inspiring their young, disillusioned warriors to join them.

This Last Caliphate is as significant in their prophecies as if Bachmann and her nutty evangelical crew somehow conquered Jerusalem following the step-by-step in Revelations (and converted the jews). Evangelicals would flock to them to finish the job.

As I’ve noted before, I’m not a theologian. But purely as an overly simplified, Buffy-the-Vampire Slayer tactic, it seems that if you want to stop the theocrats, first you stop the prophecies. Take away the proof to the true believers that they are the chosen ones in the chosen time, and the theocrats become just another crazy person shouting on a street corner. The Muslim world needs to lead on this, otherwise it is just more Western aggression. And they would understand the culture better than we ever will.

I hope that someone in our vast intelligence operation is looking in that direction.

News That Will Drive You To Drink

For once, I agree with the blog’s ol’ pal and fetus-fondling god-botherer Rev. Fishsticks, but maybe not as he might hope:

I do think all of Y’all Qaeda needs to be on record. We need to separate the theocrats from the (little “d”) democrats, and then we need to ensure we do everything to point and laugh at them as they fight against democracy and for a theocracy.

If you believe in biblical supremacy over civil law, then you do not belong in the branch of government that is constitutionally tasked with the enforcement of law.

It really is that simple.

Some Fries With Your Stupid?

Religious Freedom in America is only for Xristians? This guy is one fork shy of a place setting if he really believes that. And of course, next up: which sect of Xristians is it really for…

It never stops with the Theocrats. Ever.

News That Will Drive You To Drink, Ohio

Happy Hour News Briefs

Lookout, Jeebus! The goalpost looks like a  crucifix!

Lookout, Jeebus! The goalpost looks like a crucifix!

(COLUMBUS, Ohio) – Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine today announced a $300,000 grant for Athletes in Action (AIA), a Xenia-based nonprofit organization that works to help form well-rounded athletes of integrity in their sport and beyond.

“For more than 45 years, Athletes in Action has helped competitors of many ages,” said Attorney General DeWine. “I am pleased that this grant will help them continue to serve Ohio communities through athletic programming.”

Congrats, Ohio! Your Attorney General just gave $300,000 of your taxpayer Ameros to Y’all Qaeda in your name! Interesting how AG DeWine doesn’t mention any of the Jeebus-y stuff at all in his press release. What, you don’t believe me? It’s not like Athletes in Action were hiding it:

“Since 1966, Athletes in Action has been using sports as a platform to help people answer questions of faith and to point them to Jesus. We believe that sports has the power to open doors and create connections in a way that few other things can, and that’s why we are constantly working to create new ways of reaching out to athletes and sports fans alike. Ultimately, our goal is to see peoples’ lives changed as they discover God’s purpose for their life.

“We dream of a day when there are Christ-followers on every team, in sport, in every nation. We believe this is possible when organizations and individuals — who want every athlete to know someone who truly follows Jesus — work together toward the common goal of furthering God’s kingdom.”

Your Saturday Bottomless Mug of Stupid

This segment dives head first into misogyny with some douche mansplaining what women really want:

“Women do earn less in America because they choose to. They would rather go to their daughter’s piano recital than stay all night at work, working on a proposal, so they end up earning less. They’re less ambitious. And I think this is sort of God’s way, this is nature’s way of saying women should be at home with the kids, they’re happier there.”

–Gavin McInnes, co-founder of VICE

If you wonder why I tagged this as a Blog Against Theocracy, it is because McInnes uses God to justify his outrageous statements. The war on women is very real, and it is a front in the larger war that the theocrats are waging against Democracy. Whether he is himself a theocrat doesn’t matter, he’s a soldier in their larger cause.

We Don’t Give An Eff, Y’all Qaeda

Jeebus weeps

Once again Y’all Qaeda is marching against Marriage Equality…

The question is raised: why is Y’all Qaeda so scared of Marriage Equality that they would be willing to die on that cross, so to speak. They say that letting the ‘mos marry will lead to the destruction of the family, to the destruction of America, to the destruction of civilization itself (my favorite). Why don’t you do something about it?!

Also/Too Y’all Qaeda has said it will lead to the end of the species (no babies!), which leads me to think that they are so worried about their own innate carnal desires that they would all gladly go the way of the ‘mos if given the chance. But I digress.

My theory of their fear is not that the marrying ‘mos will end family/America/Civilization/mankind, but the lack of those things happening will end their iron-clad grip on theocracy. I think what they are afraid of is both losing power, but to the real believers (not the Elmer Gantry wannabe grifters) is the fear of the ineffable Plan of God.


(c) XristiM 1998-2006

Into their Lazarus mouths they pop
God like round peppermint lozenges,
and with their resurrected teeth
grind Him small,
roll the bits with their tongues,
flooding them with saliva and
the exhalations of digestion.
Then they amble forth
to perform the work for which
they have anointed themselves
and each other,
breathing the judgment of an angry God strongly
into the nostrils of others.

We can hear them at a distance,
from close enough can detect the stench
of self-righteousness.
And a wary eye can detect them in our midst,
with coats that show glossy fronts,
but on their backs,
hidden from their view
and from ours
unless we trouble ourselves to look,
reveal scraps and patches
like bandages over festering sores.

We may protest, draw back in distaste,
alarmed to have God thrust upon us
smelling so pungently of mint
and the charnel house,
but they are relentless in pursuit
of fleeing souls.
They paralyze us with their certainty
that God lives in their mouths.

For myself, I think the God has filed
His change of address:
He resides
not in the mouth, but in the heart.

What if the Plan was always to let us scurry about on our lovely Blue Dot, sniffing the flowers like Ferdinand the Bull, and enjoying ourselves and (someday) being kind to each other? What if the plan is for us to love each other and form families of own own devising?

Because no one can know what The Plan Is, the theocrats always tell us what The Plan Isn’t.

Petunia & Pals Show Us…

…why anti-discrimination laws are needed:

So protecting atheists from discrimination is anti-Xristian? “We lost beating up on the ‘mos, so can’t you give us these guys to kick, you know, as a consolation prize?”

(The video changes topics after three minutes plus change.)

Blog Against Theocracy 2015

Jeebus weeps

I am reminded again that it is time to Blog Against Theocracy. This past week in Indiana and elsewhere in Jeebusland has shown us that the fight isn’t over, the theocrats are on the move (against all deep-fried odds), and their goal continues to be the destruction of democracy.

I’m not anti-religion, and neither is the Blog Against Theocracy. I’m pro-democracy. I don’t care if you believe in the Dead Guy, Scientology, Mormonism, or anything else; just don’t try to force me along for the ride.

i-cry-for-thee-constitution.jpgI believe strongly in the First Amendment. I don’t want to see anyone lose their rights, I want to see more rights; it is not as if there are a limit. The First Amendment with the much-loved separation of church and state protects the religious as much as it protects atheists, and we should all be grateful.

Get off the cross we need the wood

Jeebus in his younger, happier days.

Jeebus in his younger, happier days.

Y’all Qaeda has a secret weapon, Martyrdom, which tells them that they are somehow the picked upon minority, as they work tirelessly to deny everyone else their rights; you can fill in your own example here, women, LGBTQ, and people of color. We hear the cry from all the usual Xristian Xrazies that the people truly being discriminated against are the Xristians themselves.


And so for a few days we saw The 2016 Goat Rodeo contenders embarrass themselves by coming to the aid of Mike Pence, a man who should have his head checked for termites, when he proudly signed Indiana’s We Don’t Serve Your Kind law under the guise of protecting religious freedom. No one bothered to ask protecting it from whom or what, but it hardly matters; it was pandering to the base and that’s all that counted.

No one asked Memories Pizzeria to cater a same-sex wedding, and yet somehow they made themselves into the victim (of their own construction). Ultimately this pizza joint became the beneficiary of nearly $1M—yes, with an M—raised by Wingnuts to defend them for preemptively declaring that they would not serve pizza at a same-sex wedding (that to this day no one has asked them to do). Not bad for not working for a few days.

We look forward to the first Jewish Deli refusing to sell bagels and lox to the goyim, for religious freedom.

The Right to Life Ends At Birth

baby cake

We saw again this week that the state of Texas (the laboratory of bad policy) is moving funds around to promote Abstinence Education. What was new was that the Texas Lege took money from HIV prevention to pump up Abstinence Education funding. Texas has one of the highest rates of teenage pregnancy in the country (so much for abstinence education), and a very high HIV infection rate, so this move is almost surely to increase both issues.

When Mike Pence did something similar in Indiana (defunded Planned Parenthood, but work with me), a sudden outbreak of HIV erupted. He is now funding as a trial a needle exchange in a particularly hard-hit county.

And once again we can look at personhood bills, 20-week abortion limits, and other ways that the theocrats want to force women who have unwanted/unplanned pregnancies to give birth. We’ve covered this topic so many times over all the years of Blogging Against Theocracy, it is hard to believe that we are still fighting the forced-birth battle.

womanscreaming.jpgThe War on Women is a real thing, it is a front in the larger war against democracy that the theocrats are waging.

Grifters Gotta Grift

Jeebus on a dinoAnd now we turn to Ken Ham, Answers in Genesis’ Elmer Gantry without the looks or charm.

What happened was almost comical in the extreme: AiG posted job openings on their website (since taken down) that had requirements of signing a religious belief statement that the world is 6,000 years old and other fealties to his ministries strange precepts, so from the get-go it would discriminate against hiring non-believers. It also said (essentially) that gay people need not apply. Kentucky saw it and said, whoa! That’s a church and we cannot give public money to you.

So Ham is currently suing the state of Kentucky because they have wisely realized that his embarrassing Ark Park is actually a Xristian Mission in disguise. He has already received close to $100M of public funds, set asides, roads, but he wants even more: $18M in tax rebates. Seems like he should be able to raise that money privately: See Memories Pizza.


So again, it is not anti-religious to Blog Against Theocracy, it is pro-democratic. I enourage you to return to your own blogs, Facebook pages, and Twitter stream and do the same.

We’ve seen various attempts to codify the theocrats beliefs. We’ve seen banned books, banned science classes, altered history courses; we’ve seen proposals to adopt the Bible as states’ book; we’ve even seen a kid who tried to have her state adopt a certain dinosaur fossil, only to see have proposal become an affirmation that The Flood was real. With the help of groups like Americans United For Separation of Church and State, and the ACLU, these theocratic efforts have been fought in court (and mostly won, hooray for the good guys!), but there always will be more trials to come and battles to fight. Our job is to carry on, not be discouraged, and to resist their attempts to subvert our democracy.

I know that there are some who say that the greatest existential threat America faces is ISIS/Al Qaeda, etc., but I would put our greatest threat with the theocrats we already have here, and many of them are running for public office. You see, that’s how we will lose the country: hucksters wrapped in a flag and carrying a Bible.

[Ed. Note: We’re keeping this on top today. Fresher posts are below.]

News That Will Drive You To Drink

We have not heard from our old pal Rev. Fishsticks yet this year, but thankfully he is here now to tell us that 1) gay people should not be allowed to hold public office and 2) that the First Amendment is being destroyed by gay people having equal rights, because somehow giving rights to the ‘mos is taking them away from Y’all Qaeda.

News That Will Drive You To Drink

Jeebus wept

Today’s news is a Theocrat’s Blue Plate Special:

“I don’t see what good it would be to take it out of the constitution. I don’t think you would have the support to remove that from our constitution at all,” DeLano said.

DeLano says he thinks the requirement reflects the culture and beliefs of the majority of Mississippians.

So what is this “it” of which Mississippi’s House Constitution chair Scott DeLano (R-Y’all Qaeda) speaks? Why, it is a provision that bans atheists from holding public office in that state:

Article 14, Section 265 of the state’s Constitution reads:
No person who denies the existence of a Supreme Being shall hold any office in this state.

It’s patently unconstitutional and completely unenforceable, but Jeebus wept anyway.