Innovator Willard Discovers New Way To Lose

This could be the feel-good event of the year:

floats like a bee, stings like a butterfly

Mitt Romney To Fight In Charity Boxing Match Against Evander Holyfield

We Understand The Willard Mechanism …

will be announcing something today.

Given that always-wrong about everything, always, Mark Halperin says that The Stench is running, it’s a sucker’s bet that Willard will run.

“I’ll be here all week! Try the veal!”

Give it up for the comedy stylings of The Stench!:

“Be sure to tip the balance of power on your way out!”

Failed 2012 Goat Rodeo rider The Willard Mechanism tries his hand at the open-mic, or maybe it’s the opening act for pig testicle-juggler Joni Ernst (R – Deliverance) at the Last Man Standing. I wonder if they gave him the door or a cut from the bar?

Gotta give Willard some credit: he knows his audience.

Make This Happen, Please

I want to see Willard lose a third fourth time.

Oh, yes, please do run again Willard (UPDATED)

Dogs know Willard

Mitt Romney has said time and time again that he has no interest in running for president a third time.

But, on Sunday morning, CBS’ Bob Schieffer said not to write off the idea of a 2016 campaign by Romney so quickly.

“I have a source that told me that if Jeb Bush decides not to run, that Mitt Romney may actually try it again,” Schieffer said.

I would love for us to have the unique opportunity to hand The Stench his ass for the third straight contest.

UPDATE 1: The best retweet of one of our posts:


The Willard Mechanism Spoke – UPDATED

Dogs know Willard

I’m still trying to figure out what the ratings strategy that there is to having the guy we punted at fourth and forty in the 2012 Goat Rodeo (how’s that for mixing metaphors? Don’t try this at home kids), was eloquent on foreign policy when he has never conducted any—with the exception of shipping jobs overseas.


I think effective leaders typically are able to see the future to a certain degree and then try and take actions to shape it in some way. And that’s, of course, what this President has failed to do and his Secretary of State Hillary Clinton as well.

Just call him Kreskin, though it is odd that he didn’t use his powerful ESP against people with cell phone videos.

They thought resetting relations with Russia, handing out gifts to Russia would somehow make Russia change its objectives. Well, that certainly wasn’t the case.

“No, my good man,” Mitt did not add, “We will give you an extra pence in your weekly envelope. Now run off, lads. Tonkety-tonk!”

Had we from the very beginning of the demonstrations in Crimea, excuse me, in– in Ukraine, had we worked with our allies and said, look, let’s talk about the kinds of severe sanctions we would put in place if Russia were to decide to move and had we then communicated that to Russia beforehand, not put in place the sanctions, but communicate, look, Russia, stand down here.

“Just like George Bush did in Georgia. Whoops!”

Don’t you think about grabbing territory or these are the things that will have to happen.

“That just isn’t cricket, old boys,” he did not conclude.

(Update: Hat tip to Scissorhead Wagonjak who kindly sent us the Willard Mechanism in the Time Machine graphic, which could not be more, well, timely.)

A secret room for his secret binders full of women?

Dogs know Willard

Failed 2012 Goat Rodeo contestant and magical panties enthusiast Willard Romney’s new 6,000 square foot farmhouse in Utah features a secret room that you enter through a swinging bookcase.

The front door of Mitt Romney’s soon-to-be-constructed Holladay house opens to a massive living room, and to your left, around the fireplace, lies a study.

If you look closely at the bookshelves there, you find something interesting: a secret door.

The second bookshelf from the far wall is really a door that swivels out to reveal a hidden room.

This is but one voyeuristic tidbit The Salt Lake Tribune uncovered by examining the architectural and landscape drawings approved by Holladay in September that clearly identify the project as a home for the former Republican presidential nominee and his wife, Ann.


“Looks like to me that Mitt Romney realizes that Utah is the place to be,” Oldroyd says, “and wants to be there.”

Now that is insight.

(Salt Lake Tribune)

Willard loses again

The Huffington Post has something of a scoop today (or they read their inbox from the PR Newswire?), so I guess Arianna is out a few crumbs to pay someone on her staff. Anyway, they got their hands on an advanced copy of the Washington Post’s Dan Balz’s upcoming book, Collision 2012, which I suppose will be a best seller in the Beltway and on Villager coffee tables, but not popular elsewhere.

One of the revealed nuggets (probably a one on the Bristol Stool Scale) presented is that Willard lost 10 out of 12 members of his family’s vote… when he polled them if he should run for Preznint again, after losing so ignominiously to Grandpa Walnuts in 2008.

He reveals that he didn’t vote for himself in his family poll, either. So I guess The Stench has something in common with us after all. Who knew?

None of this is news as his son The Prince Regent of Romneylandia (the Heir, not the 4 Spares) Tagg revealed in a news cycle earlier in the year that his dad was the most reluctant candidate in the history of politics or something. Which as Charlie Pierce points out (Hi Charlie!) is one of the funniest statements of the new century:

“Look, Willard Romney started running for president as soon as he gave up on his day-job here in the Commonwealth (God save it!). That was approximately half-past 2005. He didn’t stop until Nate Silver buried his ass last November. I spent half the campaign mocking the fairy tale about how he and Ann sat around the kitchen table in one of the manses and decided that, yes, only Mitt could save the country. Now, I am expected to believe this happy horsepucky about Mitt, The Reluctant Candidate? He continues to be the most singularly maladroit national politician I’ve ever seen. Even his obvious prevarication sounds like something he memorized 10 minutes ago.”


Today in Nepotism

Hey guys, remember that time during the The 2012 Goat Rodeo when The Stench told a group of people that he was unemployed, too? He thought it was a winning gambit to show the poors that he was on their side?

Yeah. Me Neither.

Anyway, I’m pleased to report that Willard has gotten off his fat, lazy ass and out of Queen Ann’s hair and is now gainfully employed:

“Former GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney will be returning to work, joining his son Tagg’s investment firm.”

So why don’t all the unemployed poors just join their sons’ multi-billion dollar hedge funds? Sheesh, it’s so simple.

(The Hill)

Dick Morris Proves Roger Ailes is Right to keep him off the air

Famous friend of hookers everywhere and notorious toe-sucking pundit Dick Morris is offering another explanation for why Mitt Romney lost the 2012 Goat Rodeo to the Kenyan Usurper: Hurricane Sandy kept whites from voting.

Yeah, New England was gonna go for The Stench and The Granny-Starver. Good chat, Dick.