News That Will Drive You To Drink

Happy Hour News Briefs

Phyllis Schlafly

Phyllis Schlafly

Award winning ancient hate goblin pessary Phyllis Schlafly tells World Nut Daily in an exclusive interview:

“Every time they say, ‘You can’t deport these people, in my mind’s eye, I see the picture of those railroad cars carrying the illegals out of our country when Eisenhower deported them. They say it was a failure. It wasn’t at all,” Schlafly told WND in an exclusive interview.

“In my mind’s eye, I see those railroad cars full of illegals going south. That’s what they ought to do.”

There’s something unsavory about the relish and gusto in which she makes these statements. One can almost see the drool as the oven heats up…

Eiron, the Goddess of Irony, laughed so hard she farted

Jeebus weeps

Jeebus weeps

Says Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley:

“After full consideration of this weekend’s attacks of terror on innocent citizens in Paris, I will oppose any attempt to relocate Syrian refugees to Alabama through the U.S. Refugee Admissions Program. …Please continue to join me in praying for those who have suffered loss and for those who will never allow freedom to fade at the hands of terrorists.”

Jeebus weeps.

The Tender Embrace of the GOP

From Memeorandum

From Memeorandum

Wingnuttia is up in arms that loud-mouthed bloviator Chris Matthews called 2016 Goat Rodeo contenders Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio Cubans instead of Hispanics:

Now, what The New Confederacy conveniently is forgetting is that our strange immigration policy treats Cubans differently: they put a little toe on US soil and they are immediately welcomed as legal immigrants. This is not the case with Latinos from other parts of the world, and trust me this is well known amongst the immigrant community.

Personally I would call Cruz a Canadian, but that’s sort of mean to our friends from the north.

One Lump of Stupid or Two, Dr. Carson

Bennie 'The Blade' Carson

Bennie ‘The Blade’ Carson

Amateur Egyptologist and noted grain storage scholar Ben Carson turns his ag-economic eye to stop close to 100% of undocumented immigrants (after you build the double-fence with an asphalt road between for the entire length of the border): you give them incentives to stay put.

So would that be to end NAFTA, which pretty much destroyed local agriculture in Latin/Central America by dumping our tax-payer subsidized crops on them?

Let’s listen to his plan:

He wants to teach the farmers how to farm? And he wants the profits to benefit American Big Ag?

Some Fries With Your Stupid, Wingnuttia?


“The Spanish-language network Telemundo is in talks with the Democratic National Committee about possibly scheduling a new candidate forum with the Dem presidential candidates, after the Republican National Committee canceled its debate on NBC News and the NBC-owned Telemundo to protest CNBC’s handling of last week’s gathering… If this comes to fruition, Democrats would effectively be moving into the breach created by the RNC’s decision. It would mean Democrats end up holding two debate-style events on Spanish-language networks, since they are already set to hold a Univision debate in March.”

I am a-feared the great rebranding is bursting into flames.

Paul Ryan Doesn’t Understand His Job?

New Boss, Same as the Old Boss

“Oh, gross,” said the fish

“I think he’s proven untrustworthy on this issue [immigration reform]. He tried to go around Congress with an Executive Order to rewrite laws unilaterally,” Ryan said. “Presidents don’t write laws. Congress writes laws.”

“So yes, Ryan continued. “I do not believe we should and we won’t bring immigration legislation with a president we cannot trust on this issue. If we believe and have consensus on things like border enforcement, and interior security, then that’s fine.”

So, um, Paul: legislate something. Put it before the president. He signs it or he doesn’t. That’s the process.

Unless of course, you want him to use Executive Orders on immigration which you can then use to fundraise as you posture with the rubes.


The Morning Quote

Deep foreign policy thoughts from Marco Rubio

Marco ‘Big Gulp’ Rubio, the Cold Warrior for a New Generation, and beloved grandson figure of Wingnuts over the age of 65 and under the age of death,

“We’ve always been a country that has been willing to accept people who have been displaced and I would be open to that if it can be done in a way that allows us to ensure that among them are not people who are part of a terrorist organization who are using this crisis. The vast and overwhelming majority of people who are seeking refuge are not terrorists, of course, but you always are concerned about that.”

How’s That Rebranding Workin’ Out, Reince?

Chris Christie

“At any moment, FedEx can tell you where that package is. It’s on the truck. It’s at the station. It’s on the airplane,” Mr. Christie told the crowd in Laconia, N.H. “Yet we let people come to this country with visas, and the minute they come in, we lose track of them.”

He added: “We need to have a system that tracks you from the moment you come in.” (NYTimes)

Wow. I cannot imagine that anyone would be offended at being compared to, you know, de-humanized cargo.

Of course, if Gov. Sammiches was a FedEx package their would be extra shipping charges.

Thank-you, thank-you! Try the veal!

Shorter Immigration Reform of Donald Trump:

Trumpenstein Monster from K-N-K

Short-fingered vulgarian Donald Trump has released the first of his policy papers, this one is on immigration, and it is a doozy. Here are the major bullet points; see if you can spot the unconstitutional proposals (as opposed to the INSANE proposals):

  • Make Mexico Pay For The Wall
  • Triple the number of ICE officers
  • Nationwide e-verify
  • Mandatory return of all criminal aliens
  • Detention—not catch-and-release
  • Defund sanctuary cities
  • Enhanced penalties for overstaying a visa
  • Cooperate with local gang task forces
  • End birthright citizenship
  • Increase prevailing wage for H-1Bs
  • Requirement to hire American workers first
  • End welfare abuse
  • Jobs program for inner city youth
  • Refugee program for American children
  • Immigration moderation

This is beyond xenophobic and racist; it is full-on insane. There is no way to actually deport EVERYONE he wants to get rid of, and you know what? Those kids born here ARE AMERICANS. How do you decide which AMERICAN kids to deport, and to where do you deport your own citizens who suddenly have no home country? It’s absolutely bug-fucking crazy.

This is just about hatred, there’s no way to do any of these things, but the racists in The Confederacy are going to love this. Eat it up with a spoon, they will.

A Trump Question For The 2016 Goat Rodeo Contenders

Short-fingered vulgarian Donald Trump

Short-fingered vulgarian Donald Trump

I hate making this obvious comment, but why is it the case that none of 2016 Goat Rodeo contenders have weighed in on Donald Trump’s incendiary statements about immigrants, in which he essentially called all hispanic immigrants criminals and rapists?

Trumps comments led to him being fired from NBC Universal, Univision has dropped his Miss Universe Pagent, Mexico is also pulling out of the pagent, and just this morning Macy*s severed their relationship with him.

So riddle me this Senators Cruz and Rubio: why no statement on Trump’s comments? ¡JEB! the Smartest Bush®, since you claim to be an honorary Latino, what about you?