Brisket® Palin: Always a Bride’s Maid

bristol-the-naughty-nun…Never a bride: Bristol Palin Is No Longer Engaged

The long-and-short of it seems to be that her betrothed, Dakota Meyer, might still be married or something, though Brisket® denies that the rumors are true:

“Regarding salacious headlines in recent days about “secret wives”, Dakota and I discussed our past relationships prior to our engagement. Dakota was legally divorced years ago, as any good reporter could and should have disclosed to readers. As usual, false stories and dramatically written headlines begging controversy should be disregarded, and we have faith that our privacy will be respected at this time by those with decency. Thank you! – Bristol”

So Brisket called off the wedding because… whimsey?

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Moeman)

Grifters Gotta Grift

A dead-eyed dick

A dead-eyed dick

Chris Christie: I’d Choose Sarah Palin For My VP

And thus we prove once more that a drowning man will swim to a sinking ship.

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Skinny-D)

Grifters Gotta Grift

Get off the Cross, cont.

piles-of-moneyThe founders of GoFundME must be so proud of the attention that their site is getting lately.

Besides bigot pizzas grifters, and possibly sabotaged car grifters, you can now fund white supremacists grifters!

Here’s the short version: some white guy put a hand-made White History Month poster in the window of his deli (and we must ask ourselves if there is a single month that is NOT white history month in the USA, but I digress). His bidness dried up, not surprisingly.

So he has started his own GoFundMe campaign, amusingly called Jimbos white history sign gone bad.

“On march 1st I hung a sign in my deli window saying, ‘Celebrate your white heritage in March, White History Month.’

“If you haven’t heard of this story and you want to read about it, just google Flemington white history or go on YouTube and search White History Month. Anyway, it went crazy for four days and then I had to take the sign down for various reasons. It was only supposed to be a white thing, but people read more into it than that.”

I bet they did, Sparky.

“I did get tons of supporting letters from all across the USA.”

I’m guessing from the Confederacy. What are the odds?

“Which was very comforting during such a stressful time.”

A stressful time of your own making, but do continue.

“Then the bottom dropped out and customers were no longer coming into my deli, and now I am forced to close down my Deli and lose my American dream.”

Because of your own actions. What lesson the class learn from this tale?

“I don’t think I deserve this just because I wanted to be proud of being white and be able to celebrate my heritage like everyone else does.”

But you do deserve it, Whitey. What message do you think you were sending, and more importantly who did you think it was going to attract?

This is called the Invisible Hand of the Marketplace. He’s raised $215 from 15 people in 4 days, which is far more than I would have thought.

You made your bed, now you get to sleep in it, apparently without delicious deli meats.

News That Will Drive You To Drink

Grifters Gotta Grift

Gomer and the Gomerette

Gomer and the Gomerette

Uncle Sugar hisself has learned a thing or two from Alaska’s part-time governor and full-time grifter Mooselini.

Introducing: The Mike Huckabee Channel!

For only $60 Ameros per year you can have exclusive access to the daily audio bleats and mewls of Elmer Gantry without the Looks/Charm and weekly/weakly video. Maybe he will finally reveal his secret squirrel fry recipe?

News That Will Drive You To Drink

Xristian Xrazie constitutional scholar and historical fabulist David Barton, author of many works being pulped by his publisher, is looking for a few, good (unpaid) interns:

Sparky is pretty excited over this opportunity to touch “fun stuff” like bayonets, his enthusiasm is contagious as measles in a yuppie’s gated community!

The 3-Martini Stupid is Served, Maggie Gallagher-style

Grifters Gotta Grift

maggie-gallagher
Famous unwed mother Maggie Gallagher brings us today’s drink special. Gallagher is the founder of The National Organization for Marriage, the pity party that brought us such highlights as the internet camp classic The Gathering Storm ad, and introduced us to the topless Xristian sensation and finger-banging under-aged porn impresario Carrie Prejean, you know, to drive home the point that the ‘mos would degrade the fine institution of marriage.

Anyway, she has a new idea (not really) to protect god-fearing bigots from the Lavender Menace:

“We need a national organization that spends money on federal elections to pass new workplace protections for traditional believers.
Maggie Gallagher
“…The great lesson social conservatives need to learn from our losses in the gay marriage fight—and there are many of them—is that we aren’t a politically organized minority group yet. But we had better become one. You aren’t a politically organized unless and until you have organizations that can affect elections directly, by summoning foot soldiers for the ground game and money for the air war. We do not yet have a single social conservative group that operates in this space, except the Susan B. Anthony List on abortion. I do not know that S.B. 129 is a particularly effective bill. I know the difficulty passing it in a state like Georgia is a sign of our times. We need effective, thrifty, disciplined political organizations which will help local groups message, but which will fight primarily federally.”

Gosh, Maggie, that sounds a lot like your existing organization, NOM, which has pretty much lost every battle, and has grifted the Ameros out of your rubes. But you never know, lightening might strike twice. Say, I wonder what Prejean is up to these days?

The 3-Martini Stupid. Your Server: Ken Ham

Grifters Gotta Grift

Jeebus on a dino

Zip-line ministries and proprieter of the very embarassing Creation Museum Ken Ham is taking it very personally that the state of Kentucky is not allowing him to grift the Commonwealth to pay for his latest embarrassment, The Ark Park After Dark, or whatever it is called.

To recap, Kentucky decided that Ham’s lastest amusement park was actually a church (because they required applicants to be Christians, to take an oath that they believed in Creationism, and because they openly planned to discriminate against LGBTQ people). Because of the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment, Kentucky decided to not extend tax breaks valued at about $18M. Instead of going out and raising the money himself from his rubes, er, flock, Ham has gone on a crusade claiming religious discrimination and making the strange case that he is owed the $18M by the State of Kentucky.

How Jeebus Won Kansas For Brownback

Grifters Gotta Grift

Our Lady of Bountiful Pasta and Good Shoe Wear Cindy Jacobs has New Apostolic Reformation leader Chuck Pierce on her show who explains that he was on the telephone with Jeebus’ Dad and got instruction on how to save Brownback’s fatback, so to speak:

Maybe Jeebus can do something about Cindy’s adenoids? Not since Agnes Gooch has anyone’s voice…

Your Saturday Bottomless Mug o’ Stupid

Death of the Media

Bill-O

Franklin Graham, weak seed of Billy, to History’s Greatest Reporter, Bill-O:

“I do know that [muslim infiltrators in the White House] are there. I’ve been told this by a number of people,” Graham responded. “I’m not saying that they’re sitting next to the President, whispering into his ear. But they are in the halls.”

“…and those number of people are hosts on Fox News,” Graham didn’t say.

The Morning Quote:

Aaron Schock has a turquoise belt in white privilege.

Aaron Schock has a turquoise belt in white privilege.

“As he said he would, Congressman Schock has fulfilled his commitment to pay for all the renovation costs of the 18th Congressional District office in Washington,” said a statement released by Schock’s office Friday. “Even though office expenses are often covered by the Member Representational Allowance, the Congressman believed it appropriate to pay these costs himself as part of the office review process.”

“We regret getting caught,” Congressman Schock didn’t say. “Anyone know where I can get a Wank Band?

(USA Today)