News That Will Drive You To Drink

Jeebus SavesTheodore Shoebat (and I’m not making that name up) has a suggestion in light of all the news last week: Don’t Ban The Confederate Flag, Instead Ban The Blasphemous And Demonic Homosexual Flag

“…America is advancing the sodomite agenda, that is why it hoists this useless flag all over the world, because the sodomite movement is an imperialistic movement that seeks to take over world. It is truly a hateful symbol, hateful against Christianity, hateful against the very Faith that built civilization, hateful against the building block of all civilization — the Family. It is a despotic symbol that deserves nothing but the flames.

“I say keep the Confederate flag and strip every single one of these repulsive, diabolical little flags. Shred them to pieces, burn them, take them down and rip them up. Do whatever is necessary to destroy these idols. All of those in the South, who want to see the Confederate flag remain hoisted and presented, should, in multitudes, burn these horrid sodomite flags, to shake up the government and let them know: we know why you are doing this, you have an agenda, and that is to strip away traditional Southern culture and replace it with the modernist antichrist ideology.”

He seems nice.

This Shoebat (not to be confused with this Shoebat, the alleged terrorist who has found Jeebus) also offers for sale a series of lectures on CD, so, you know, Grifters Gotta Grift. Hey, maybe these Shoebats should get together?

Grifters Gotta Grift

airplane the movieHey guys, remember that propserity gospel preacher dude Creflo Dollar who wanted a $70M private jet and kept harranging his flock to buy it for him?

His church will buy him one.

“The board of World Changers Church International, which was founded by popular televangelist Creflo Dollar and conducts business as Creflo Dollar Ministries, said in a strongly worded statement that the organization will acquire the luxury multimillion dollar Gulfstream G650 jet they tried to raise $65 million to purchase through a short-lived crowdfunding campaign that sparked public outcry in March.

“The ministry shut down the crowdfunding campaign asking 200,000 of its international supporters to donate $300 each in March to purchase the aircraft that reportedly had billionaires waiting in line to purchase one last year.”

Grifters Gotta Grift

Jon Ritzheimer organized the anti-Muslim protest rally and Muhammad cartooning contest last Friday in Phoenix, and so now he wants his gofundme payout. You know, to protect his family from the back-lash of his own making. Also/too: to run against Grandpa Walnuts. It’s a two-fer-one donation!

I wonder how much Mooselini will donate?

I’m Starting To Like This O’Malley Guy

Grifters Gotta Grift

mooselini-snears-surrealAlaska’s part-time governor and full-time grifter Sarah Palin’s ghost writer wrote about O’Malley on her book of faces:

“Yet another anti-freedom politician jumps in the race today for POTUS. As cool as he is with his rock ‘n roll persona, this typical liberal’s erroneous grasp of our Bill of Rights merely continues the strange and disastrous agenda of Barack Obama. Good to know he doesn’t have much chance of winning. The democrats have greased the skids for their chosen one, despite the media games that play the public with various ‘competing’ campaigns used for gamey distractions.”

…to which he replied (trolled):

That’s gonna leave a mark. Mooselini as you may recall has been toying with throwing her hat in the ring (not really, just grifting the rubes).

Phew! That Was A Close One!

Grifters Gotta Grift

fart trumpet

Once again, Our Lady of Bountiful Pasta and Good Shoe Wear Cindy Jacobs saved our bacon! You see, last week before the long weekend she prophesied (is that a real verb?) an attack on the US Capitol, and called for her prayer warriors to put a shield up.

And look, nothing happened! Another stunning victory for Cindy. Send her $3 to say thank you, hmmm?

Brisket® Palin: Always a Bride’s Maid

bristol-the-naughty-nun…Never a bride: Bristol Palin Is No Longer Engaged

The long-and-short of it seems to be that her betrothed, Dakota Meyer, might still be married or something, though Brisket® denies that the rumors are true:

“Regarding salacious headlines in recent days about “secret wives”, Dakota and I discussed our past relationships prior to our engagement. Dakota was legally divorced years ago, as any good reporter could and should have disclosed to readers. As usual, false stories and dramatically written headlines begging controversy should be disregarded, and we have faith that our privacy will be respected at this time by those with decency. Thank you! – Bristol”

So Brisket called off the wedding because… whimsey?

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Moeman)

Grifters Gotta Grift

A dead-eyed dick

A dead-eyed dick

Chris Christie: I’d Choose Sarah Palin For My VP

And thus we prove once more that a drowning man will swim to a sinking ship.

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Skinny-D)

Grifters Gotta Grift

Get off the Cross, cont.

piles-of-moneyThe founders of GoFundME must be so proud of the attention that their site is getting lately.

Besides bigot pizzas grifters, and possibly sabotaged car grifters, you can now fund white supremacists grifters!

Here’s the short version: some white guy put a hand-made White History Month poster in the window of his deli (and we must ask ourselves if there is a single month that is NOT white history month in the USA, but I digress). His bidness dried up, not surprisingly.

So he has started his own GoFundMe campaign, amusingly called Jimbos white history sign gone bad.

“On march 1st I hung a sign in my deli window saying, ‘Celebrate your white heritage in March, White History Month.’

“If you haven’t heard of this story and you want to read about it, just google Flemington white history or go on YouTube and search White History Month. Anyway, it went crazy for four days and then I had to take the sign down for various reasons. It was only supposed to be a white thing, but people read more into it than that.”

I bet they did, Sparky.

“I did get tons of supporting letters from all across the USA.”

I’m guessing from the Confederacy. What are the odds?

“Which was very comforting during such a stressful time.”

A stressful time of your own making, but do continue.

“Then the bottom dropped out and customers were no longer coming into my deli, and now I am forced to close down my Deli and lose my American dream.”

Because of your own actions. What lesson the class learn from this tale?

“I don’t think I deserve this just because I wanted to be proud of being white and be able to celebrate my heritage like everyone else does.”

But you do deserve it, Whitey. What message do you think you were sending, and more importantly who did you think it was going to attract?

This is called the Invisible Hand of the Marketplace. He’s raised $215 from 15 people in 4 days, which is far more than I would have thought.

You made your bed, now you get to sleep in it, apparently without delicious deli meats.

News That Will Drive You To Drink

Grifters Gotta Grift

Gomer and the Gomerette

Gomer and the Gomerette

Uncle Sugar hisself has learned a thing or two from Alaska’s part-time governor and full-time grifter Mooselini.

Introducing: The Mike Huckabee Channel!

For only $60 Ameros per year you can have exclusive access to the daily audio bleats and mewls of Elmer Gantry without the Looks/Charm and weekly/weakly video. Maybe he will finally reveal his secret squirrel fry recipe?

News That Will Drive You To Drink

Xristian Xrazie constitutional scholar and historical fabulist David Barton, author of many works being pulped by his publisher, is looking for a few, good (unpaid) interns:

Sparky is pretty excited over this opportunity to touch “fun stuff” like bayonets, his enthusiasm is contagious as measles in a yuppie’s gated community!