2016 Goat Rodeo Rider Is Angry

So Reince, how is that rebranding working out? If I were you (hahahaha), I would take Gomer up on his offer and kick him out of your club. Something like:

Yeah, he’s running

There’s no other explanation for this kind of creepy sexism. I mean, other than he’s a creepy sexist.

The Morning Quote

i_heart_huckabees

I’m not against anybody. I’m really not. I’m not a hater. I’m not homophobic.”

–Diabetes hate-burger enthusiast, theocratic Uncle Sugar, and 2016 Goat Rodeo Contestant Mike Huckabee

Who then adds this gem:

“But … when people say, ‘Why don’t you just kind of get on the right side of history?’ I said, ‘You’ve got to understand, this for me is not about the right side or the wrong side of history, this is the right side of the Bible, and unless God rewrites it, edits it, sends it down with his signature on it, it’s not my book to change.'”

Ah, so God made you homophobic. Got it. Amazing how God always agrees with you, Gomer.

The Morning Quote – the Keep Digging edition

i_heart_huckabees

“I’ve twice run against women opponents, and it’s a very different kind of approach,” he tells me. Different how? “For those of us who have some chivalry left, there’s a level of respect. … You treat some things as a special treasure; you treat other things as common.” A male opponent is “common,” a woman requires “a sense of pedestal.”

The chivalrous –Mike Huckabee, theocrat squirrel-frying potential 2016 Goat Rodeo contender, speculating on running against Hillary Clinton. (The New Republic)

UPDATE 1: But wait! There’s more condescending to be had!

“I believe in equality, and I have a record of transforming that belief into action,” the ex-governor told Salon in an e-mailed statement. “However, equality doesn’t mean sameness.”

As Salon noted this morning, Huckabee told The New Republic’s Nora Caplan-Bricker, who had asked about a potential 2016 match-up against Hillary Clinton, that a female opponent required “a different approach.” To illustrate the contrast, Huckabee told Caplan-Bricker that he treated his wife “very differently than I treat my chums and my pals. I wouldn’t worry about calling them on Valentine’s Day, opening the door for them, or making sure they were OK.”

“I was raised to treat women with respect,” Huckabee told Salon in his afternoon statement. “I still will invite a lady to go first, will open a door for her, and will place her in the center of the photograph. And yes, I would seek to treat a female opponent with the same respect I give to all women, even though we may disagree on the issues.”

(Salon)

Uncle Sugar: Now A 2016 Contender

i_heart_huckabees

The latest survey from Democratic PPP released Wednesday showed the former Arkansas governor surging among Republican voters nationwide in the wake of his head-scratching comment about the female libido.

According to the poll, 16 percent of GOP primary voters said they would prefer to see Huckabee as the party’s presidential nominee in 2016, making him the top Republican in the field. Only a month ago, PPP showed Huckabee polling at 11 percent and trailing both New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie (R) and Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) among GOP voters.

The Pig People have spoken, and they like the cut of Gomer’s jib, ’cause you know: gotta keep the skirts in their place.

(Livewire)

Oh, snap!

janet mike huckabee in hello dolly

If Mike Huckabee ever wants to meet Uncle Sugar, he need only look in the mirror.

–Bill Sher, writing in Campaign for America’s Future about the time when then Gov. Huckabee signed a law mandating Arkansas insurance plans provide contraception coverage.

Aiken: What I meant to say was…

Mispeaking-expert Todd Aiken was invited by Gomer to be a guest on his radio show to explain his ground-breaking biological theories.

Gomer throws Aiken a rehabilitating life-preserver (so to speak) and asks him if he meant forceable rape when he said Legitimate Rape, which as everyone knows is about a 7 or 8 on the Rape Severity Scale. You know, more severe than regretting in the morning that you bagged the best man at your friend’s wedding and less severe than women in occupied countries or something because it is all about sluts using their naughty bits for fun and causing the downfall of mankind and being thrown out of the Garden of Eden and whatnot. Praise Jeebus!

There’s nothing like an old white guy telling us that he gets how serious rape is, and that bitches need to take it to term.

Also/Too: Is Gomer really saying that rapists’ babies become admirable human beings, and that’s why you want to have them?

The 9:00 minute mark begins a priceless word salad about how rescuing rapist babies is the same as running into the World Trade Center to rescue people from terrorism.

You cannot make this shit up.

(Soundcloud)

Fried Chicken and Waffles, for Jeebus!

Famous former fattie Mike Huckabee is so riled up at The Muppets for abandoning notorious diabetes-causing chain fast-food restaurant Chick-Fil-A that he is calling for all Jeebus-loving homophobes to come out in support of Fried Chicken and Waffle sammiches in a fight against Bert sleeping with Ernie:

“I have been incensed at the vitriolic assaults on the Chick Fil-A company because the CEO, Dan Cathy, made comments recently in which he affirmed his view that the Biblical view of marriage should be upheld. The Cathy family, let by Chick Fil-A founder Truett Cathy, are a wonderful Christian family who are committed to operating the company with Biblical principles and whose story is the true American success story. Starting at age 46 Truett Cathy built Chick Fil-A into a $4 billion a year enterprise with over 1600 stores. At 91, he is still active in the company, but his son Dan runs it day to day as CEO.It’s a great American story that is being smeared by vicious hate speech and intolerant bigotry from the left.

So got that? Vicious hate speech and intolerant bigotry in the name of faith is okay. But saying you won’t support someone because of their anti-gay stance is bullying. Oooo-kay…

I ask you to join me in speaking out on Wednesday, August 1 “Chick Fil-A Appreciation Day.” No one is being asked to make signs, speeches, or openly demonstrate.

That’s good because most of your radio followers cannot write. But I’m only guessing.

The goal is simple: Let’s affirm a business that operates on Christian principles and whose executives are willing to take a stand for the Godly values we espouse by simply showing up and eating at Chick Fil-A on Wednesday, August 1.

“I’m Gomer, and I approve this unpaid advertisment from one of my sponsors.

Too often, those on the left make corporate statements to show support for same sex marriage, abortion, or profanity, but if Christians affirm traditional values, we’re considered homophobic, fundamentalists, hate-mongers, and intolerant.

Gomer, that is because your follower’s values are homophobic, fundamentalist, hate-mongering and intolerance. You are confusing cause and effect again.

This effort is not being launched by the Chick Fil-A company and no one from the company or family is involved in proposing or promoting it.

No, but you can sure bet that your radio ad salespeople will be shaking them down and reminding them of the free ad they got from you.

(Gomer’s Facebook page via Raw Story)