Because We Love The Smell Of An Apology In The Morning


Drooling fuckknuckle

The Pantheon of Dunces

“My intent was to give [Senator Ted Cruz] a chance to speak further about his heritage and personal connections to the community through some casual questions. I rushed through the questions, and that was a mistake,” Halperin said. “In no way was I asking Senator Cruz to ‘prove’ he was an ‘authentic’ Latino. I apologize to those that were offended, and to Senator Cruz.” He added, “I promise that I will work to make the tone and questions better next time.” (On Politics)

–Always wrong hack journalist and elite press courtier Mark ‘The Preznint’s a Dick’ Halperin.

Apologies (Deleted)

flying a fire extinguisher

From the same assrocket that took the Obama teenage daughters to task for being teens and dressing like teens, and well, for being embarrassed by their corny dad doing something cheesy:

“I reacted to an article and quickly judged the two young ladies in a way that I would never have wanted to be judged myself as a teenager. After many hours of prayer, talking to my parents and re-reading my words online, I can see more clearly how hurtful my words were,” she wrote. “Please know that these judgmental feelings truly have no pace in my heart. Furthermore, I’d like to apologize to all of those who I have hurt and offended with my words, and pledge to learn and grow (and I assure you I have) from this experience.”

…and then she deleted it. Because as a Republican operative, you cannot apologize to The Kenyan Usurper for any offense, ever.


The Comedy Stylings of Kevin Sorbo

Fast-fading ’90s hunk actor and noted dim bulb Kevin Sorbo continues to try to explain his Jews Killed Jesus comment. As you may recall, previously Sorbo told jews, “News bulletin: you did kill Jesus!,” which started the whole controversy. But instead of apologizing for being an idiot, he tried to walk it back with:

After all, [Jesus] was Jewish and … the Jewish leaders and a handful of Jews [gave him up],” Sorbo said. “It was more like they were accomplices to his murder. They knew he was going to be murdered. There was no question.”

Oh, well that’s different. Jews are only accomplices to Jeebus’ murder.

And then, because he still could not leave it alone or apologize, he again tried to clear things up:

“And here’s another flash bulletin,” Sorbo said, “that was what was supposed to happen. That was the intention of God. Jesus came down here to die for our sin, right? So that’s the way it happened … Don’t tell me that the Jewish population at the time, the Pharisees, didn’t have a hand in something to do with Jesus’ death. I mean, come on!”

So now it is everyone else’s fault for not understanding that Sorbo only meant it in the best way that the Jews killed Jesus as part of God’s plan? Nice save, Slick.

Which brings us to our latest round of explanation: it was all a joke, he tells Alan Colmes:

SORBO: I wasn’t trying to say that Jewish people had a hand in the death of Jesus because quite clearly many mourned his death at the time he was being crucified. There was no question about that. You know, I was going for a joke, a bad taste joke.

Oh, yeah! A Joke! That’s the ticket!

So Why Didn’t Buzzfeed…

A cure for whatever ailes me

…give us a listicle of the 40 instances of plagiarism you must read now? or maybe a quiz to find out which plagiarist you are?

Ten years later…

Many of the media pundits have been writing their memoirs of what went wrong, their strange mea culpas of how they were mislead into supporting or even cheerleading the Iraq War.

I’m not sure how many of them are sincere as they rend their cloths and wash their mouths with ashes, because even though they all admit, begrudgingly that they got it wrong, they never, ever say who got it right:

The dirty, f***ing hippies.

And until they do, I don’t accept their apologies as anything other than pro-forma.

My day

Any questions?



Willard prepares to shoot ping-pong balls out of his ass.

Hey guys, remember the other day when His Willardness was seemingly shooting ping pong balls out of his ass at little school girls? Me Neither!, anyway some of you wanted context for the picture, and here it is, an apology from the AP:

“The original caption on the photo of Gov. Romney taken Monday at a Virginia school was literally correct — it said the governor was posing for photos with schoolchildren. But it was too generic and missed the boat by not explaining exactly what was happening. The student with the surprised expression had just realized that the governor was going to crouch down in front of her for the group photo.

“We amended the caption on Tuesday with that explanation, but by then many people had seen the photo and were confused by or angry about it. Those generic captions help us process a large number of photos on a busy campaign day, but some photos demand more explanation and we fell short of our own standards by not providing it in this case.”

We here at Mock, Paper, Scissors also want to apologize for our interpretation of Willard shooting ping pong balls out of his ass. We realize now that he is wearing trousers, which would mean at best he would be shooting ping pong balls out of his ass and they would be dribbling down his pant leg. We regret the error.

¡Geraldo! Apologizes to Hoodies Everywhere

The capacity for Wingnuttia to make themselves the victim, even when apologizing is astonishing. Anyway, ¡Geraldo! apoligizes in his own way for blaming Trayvor Martin’s murder on Trayvor’s sartorial choices, and then sort of does it again:

“I apologize to anyone offended by what one prominent black conservative called my ‘very practical and potentially life-saving campaign urging black and Hispanic parents not to let their children go around wearing hoodies’…“I remain absolutely convinced of what I said about asking for trouble. There’s trouble enough for minority boys and young men not to provoke mad responses from paranoid jerk offs… [M]y own family and friends believe [that] I have obscured or diverted attention from the principal fact, which is that an unarmed 17-year old was shot dead by a man who was never seriously investigated by local police. And if that is true, I apologize.”


Your inspirational poster du jour


(Courtesy of Scissorhead Keith_not_Keith)

Dear Rush…

Dear Rush,

I’m sorry I said that you were not fit to live with the pigs.

Clearly, you are fit to live with the pigs.



PS: to all the piggies in the world, my deepest apologies to insinuate that Junkie is one of your tribe, or that you would have him.