The Barrel Scrapes Itself

carly-surreal_1

The National Journal speculates that iCarly “Fire ‘Em All Fiorina might be positioning herself to enter the 2016 Goat Rodeo:

The former Hewlett-Packard CEO and 2010 Senate candidate is hitting the campaign trail in the lead-up to Election Day for her new super PAC, teaching activists and politicians how to talk to female voters—and building herself a grassroots base in a half-dozen electorally important states in the process.

While her efforts are focused on helping the GOP win control of the Senate in November, political strategists say Fiorina is doing all the right things to prep for a 2016 bid. And the message she’s touting is a preview of the kind of role she could play, if she runs.

In case anyone has forgotten her doomed 2010 Senate Campaign (which was a very good year for the Republicans):

In Which Rand Paul Steps On Another Rake

Rand Paul wants to be left alone

Famous plagiarist, immigrant-dodging land-speed record holder and shag-carpet topped SEN. RAND PAUL, tells us that the first executive order that he would sign would repeal all previous executive orders:

During a talk with the New Hampshire chapter of Generation Opportunity (a millennial-focused group best known for using a creepy Uncle Sam mascot to convince people not to enroll in Obamacare) a young man asked Paul if he would repeal any executive orders. “I think the first executive order that I would issue would be to repeal all previous executive orders,” Paul said, according to Breitbart. He continued:

“Democracy is messy, but you have to build consensus to pass things. But it’s also in some ways good, because a lot of laws take away your freedom. So it should be hard to pass a law. And it, frankly, when you do it the proper way, is.”

Which of course led to the perpetual walking back by his staff:

Late Friday, the senator’s office walked this back a bit, suggesting Paul was speaking with a rhetorical flourish at the event. “It was not meant to be taken literally,” an aide said.

Which is fine because nothing that Aqua Buddha says should be taken literally. Flip meets Flop, as always.

So, in addition to taking back all of the Executive Orders thus far (including Thomas Jefferson’s order for the Lewis and Clark expedition, The Emancipation Proclamation, and integrating the armed services), what else does Schröedinger’s Candidate utopia look like?

So what is that utopia, in Paul’s mind? His friend said it would look like 1792, with the government that existed just after the Constitution was ratified.

Well, I guess a powdered wig would be an improvement for Paul.

Jindal and The Stench of Desperation

Bubba Jindal

The WSJ tells us… Jindal Aspires to Be Leading Thinker in GOP’s 2016 Field, but here’s my favorite line from this ridiculous piece:

“In a prospective field where candidates are generating buzz because of their interesting personalities or profiles, Jindal is focused on becoming ‘the ideas guy,’ ” said Kevin Madden, a top adviser to 2012 GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney.

Well, if boy exorcist and noted Volcano Scholar Bobby ‘Bubba’ Jindal cannot compete on interesting personality (true) or profile (also true), I guess he is left with his record, which is pretty terrible on both the face of it and in the substance of it. I guess all that is left is to try to eke out the Newticles’ position of being the ideas guy.

So what are those ideas?

The governor is set to unveil the second plank of a would-be policy platform Tuesday with the release of a comprehensive energy plan, two full months before the 2014 elections wrap up.

The proposal includes familiar measures likely to rally Republicans, such as approving the Keystone XL pipeline, as well as a few ideas that haven’t been as widely embraced by his party, including a call to lift the ban on American oil exports.

Oh yeah, that is an idea that will take him places.

NEXT!

More Flip-Flops Than a Memorial Day Shoe Sale

Rand-Paul--Robocop

The Daily Banter is doing yeoman’s work trying to keep up with the 2016 Goat Rodeo’s Schröedinger’s Candidate Rand Paul’s latest changing positions on ISIS:

Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) is a national joke and anyone who thinks he’d make a swell president needs to pay a little more attention to the, you know, news. Yesterday, we reported the freshman senator’s latest in a bottomless cup of flip-flops in which he said, on the record, that he’d intervene militarily against the Islamic State, aka ISIS. Prior to being obviously hawkish, Paul condemned Hillary Clinton for being a hawk on the Middle East. Now he’s backpedaling on his flirtation with intervention. Surprise, surprise…

…Oh, yeah, it’s time for a president like Rand Paul who totally has a strategy — which is to not have any strategies that survive for more than a few minutes. His only consistent strategy is the one in which he says whatever’s necessary to get elected, even if it directly contradicts something he just said.

At this rate, by the weekend, Rand Paul will have taken every imaginable position on ISIS, including condemnations of his own prior positions. Because he has a strategy.

It’s great, good stuff. The Daily Banter is becoming a Daily Read for me.

Aqua Buddha Has A Plan!

Rand Paul wants to be left alone

Famous plagiarist, immigrant-dodging land-speed record holder and shag-carpet topped SEN. RAND PAUL, the Aqua Buddhist, tells us how he would deal with ISIS:

Speaking to a ballroom later, some of the loudest applause for Paul came when he quipped: “If the president has no strategy, maybe it’s time for a new president.”

In an emailed comment, however, Paul elaborated by saying: “If I were President, I would call a joint session of Congress. I would lay out the reasoning of why ISIS is a threat to our national security and seek congressional authorization to destroy ISIS militarily.”

Thanks for that, Patton.

Growing up, the young Aqua Buddhist must have heard the phrase “If I were president…” and assumed it was a common way to begin every declarative sentence. But that aside, the Do-Something Crowd (from the Do-Nothing Congress) seems to be confusing cause with effect again: You can bomb the rubble into smaller rubble and then into dust, but if Chimpy’s Excellent Adventure didn’t teach us anything else, it should have taught us that You Need A Plan.

And in related news, Tom Cruise is looking for a wife again.

He Forgot How To Spell “Alles”?

(Dallas News) Rick Perry’s hand cryptically has Uber written on it.

Now indicted theocrat secessionist nitwit Rick Perry had the word “Uber” written on his hand as he addressed the Koch Brothers’ Americans for Prosperity conference.

No one knows why, but I’ll go with product placement from the ubiquitous car service, or that he’s too dumb to remember it, or that he forgot to add “alles” to it.

That’s three, Rick.

Water Seeks Its Own Level…

Mitch McConnell

even filthy sewer water:

LOUISVILLE, Ky. (AP) – Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell’s campaign manager resigned Friday amid fallout from a scandal in Iowa involving a presidential campaign he worked for in 2012. Jesse Benton said he didn’t want to become a distraction as McConnell tries to win a tough re-election campaign in Kentucky.

“This decision breaks my heart, but I know it is the right thing for Mitch, for Kentucky and for the country,” Benton said in a statement.

For those of you keeping score at home, Benton’s resignation comes 2 months before the election, which I suppose is bad for amply bechinned Mitch.

The thread is sort of hard to follow on this because it involved our old pal One-L’s quixotic and doomed 2012 Goat Rodeo run. It seems that someone bribed state Sen. Kent Sorenson to quit as her campaign manager and join Crazy Uncle Liberty’s grift, er, campaign. What is funny about it is that no one knows if One-L bribed him to leave or if CUL bribed him to switch. Anyway, Mr. Benton worked for CUL and very possibly was the person with the envelope.

Grand Exalted Turtle Lodge Chief McConnell hired Mr. Benton from the Paul family allegedly as a way to make nice with the more popular Kentucky Senator Aqua Buddha. You may recall that Mr. Benton, a notorious Teabagger, famously described it as holding his nose until 2016 when he can help Rand Paul run in the 2016 Goat Rodeo.

So in essence, there you have it: some dumbass hayshaker in Iowa played out the drowning man swimming to the sinking ship scenario, brought down Bachmann and has now torpedoed the re-election campaign of our amply bechinned turtle overlord. Does this implicate McConnell? No. But it does show a complete lack of judgement and an end justifies the means mentality.

Want Some Fries With Your Stupid, Paul Ryan?

Paul Ryan, the chairman of the House Budget Committee (and co-author of the budget agreement), told Business Insider, “No, there will not be a government shutdown”—although he then added, “If there is a government shutdown, it’ll be because the Democrats brought it about.”

Paul Ryan is an absolute fraud.

(The Atlantic)

Here’s Some Coffee To Go With Your Morning Stupid

Rick Perry Guns and Sputter

They came here to help protect the border but now the first wave of Texas National Guard troops deployed after Governor Rick Perry made the call, are needing assistance to pay for food and gas.

“We were contacted that 50 troops that are in the Valley don’t have any money for food and gas and they need our assistance,” said Food Bank RGV Executive Director Terri Drefke.

They’ve turned to the Food Bank RGV for help since they won’t get paid until September 5th and have been in the Valley since August 11th.

But, you know, as far as meaningless gestures go, it’s helping an indicted Governor/Theocrat/Secessionist/Nitwit prepare for the 2016 Goat Rodeo.(Valley Central via Scissorhead Fran)

WSJ: Portman in the 2016 Goat Rodeo?

Portman

HAHAHAHAHAHA! *Gasp* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Chimpy McStagger’s Budget Director? That Rob Portman?

HAHAHAHAHAHA! *gasp* HAHAHAHAHA!

Killer material, dude!