#Pence: You Know You Are In Trouble When…

Ted Cruz smells his record.

Ted Cruz smells his record.

… Canadian-born latino and immigrant-hating southern white supremacist Senator Ted Cruz comes to your rescue:

“I want to commend Governor Mike Pence for his support of religious freedom, especially in the face of fierce opposition. There was a time, not too long ago, when defending religious liberty enjoyed strong bipartisan support. Alas, today we are facing a concerted assault on the First Amendment, on the right of every American to seek out and worship God according to the dictates of his or her conscience. Governor Pence is holding the line to protect religious liberty in the Hoosier State. Indiana is giving voice to millions of courageous conservatives across this country who are deeply concerned about the ongoing attacks upon our personal liberties. I’m proud to stand with Mike, and I urge Americans to do the same.”

The Morning Quote

Jeebus weepsTimothy Carney (Washington Examiner) tells us in the most dramatic and tortured prose:

“[O]ur culture is speeding down the icy Left slope of the cultural mountain, and a few conservatives are now dragging their hands on the ice to slow the acceleration — and the Left is crying that this will send us catapulting back uphill.

“Religious liberty is the terms of surrender the Right is requesting in the culture war. It is conservative America saying to the cultural and political elites, you have your gay marriage, your no-fault divorce, your obscene music and television, your indoctrinating public schools and your abortion-on-demand. May we please be allowed to not participate in these?”

“Is it too much to ask,” Carney didn’t sniff, “if you just let us kick the ‘mos?”

Given the opportunity Y’all Qaeda would ban gay marriage and return sodomy laws. (“Blowjobs for me, but not for thee!”) Do any of the 2016 Goat Rodeo contenders support marriage equality? And the only measurable difference between them is whether 99% or 100% of abortions should be banned.

News That Will Drive You To Drink

Grifters Gotta Grift

Gomer and the Gomerette

Gomer and the Gomerette

Uncle Sugar hisself has learned a thing or two from Alaska’s part-time governor and full-time grifter Mooselini.

Introducing: The Mike Huckabee Channel!

For only $60 Ameros per year you can have exclusive access to the daily audio bleats and mewls of Elmer Gantry without the Looks/Charm and weekly/weakly video. Maybe he will finally reveal his secret squirrel fry recipe?

One Lump of Stupid or Two

Rake-Stepping for Speed and Accuracy

Goat Rodeo RADICAL

More contenders for the 2016 Goat Rodeo are running through rake-infested lawns, it’s not just Marco ‘Big Gulp’ Rubio! The daily email thingie from Tiger Beat on the Potomac (Thanks Charlie!) breathlessly linked us to CNN’s scoop:

Washington (CNN)Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, Bobby Jindal, Rick Santorum and Ben Carson are rushing to defend Indiana’s “religious freedom” law, standing with social conservatives on a measure that opponents have said opens the door to discrimination against gays and lesbians.

Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, meanwhile, is backing the “principle” of the measure.

Scott Walker backing anything with his sense of principles is almost a comedy routine on its own. But I digress. The Smart Bush goes first, does he see the rake?

“This is simply allowing people of faith space to be able to express their beliefs — to be able to be people of conscience,” Bush said. “I think once the facts are established, people aren’t going to see this as discriminatory at all.”

THWACK! (And what the heck is faith space?)

Noted Konsti2shunal S’koala and boy exorcist Bobby Jindal makes a mad dash across the rake-strewn lawn – by giving an interview at the Breitbart home for the criminally mundane:

“The great irony is that in the minds of today’s liberals the only bigotry to be tolerated is their own bigotry against religious beliefs,” Jindal said.

BONK!

And of course, Doc Carson who only a week or so ago promised he’d never talk about gay people or marriage equality again put a toe on the lawn:

“It is absolutely vital that we do all we can to allow Americans to practice their religious ways, while simultaneously ensuring that no one’s beliefs infringe upon those of others. We should also serve as champions of freedom of religion throughout the world,” Carson said.

SMACK!

And we conclude, as we must, with that frothy mix of lube and fecal matter, Rick Santorum:

Some Stupid To Help You Sleep?

Stepping on Rakes for Speed and Accuracy

Rubio and Charlie McCarthy

“What about the religious liberties of Americans who do not want to feel compelled by law to provide a catering service or a photography service to a same-sex marriage that their faith teaches is wrong,” Rubio said. “And that’s a valid constitutional concern.”

Loving v. Virginia just grabbed the bottle outta his campaign staff’s hands and chugged the whole damn bottle, while garden rakes everywhere applauded.

The Morning Quote

Gomer and the Gomerette

Gomer and the Gomerette

“My base is really beyond just evangelicals. I think the untold secret is a lot of the support that I have, and that I anticipate I will have, is from the working-class, blue-collar people who grew up a lot like I did – not blue-blood, but blue-collar.”

Mike Huckabee dismisses fellow theocrat Ted Cruz’s chance of winning the Y’all Qaeda vote.

Your Saturday Bottomless Mug of Stupid: Sippy Cupp Edition

Looks like the Mayo read S.E. Cupp's column today.

Looks like the Mayo read S.E. Cupp’s column today.

I really thought I was being trolled:

Tribune Content Agency is proud to add columnist, author and broadcast commentator S.E. Cupp to our roster of Premium Content creators. We invite you to try Cupp’s new syndicated weekly column for a free 60-day trial via Tribune News Service.

Proud of that, are they? It’s a big world.

S.E. Cupp provides a fresh and nuanced conservative viewpoint tackling topics across the spectrum and engaging audiences with stylish writing and clear thinking.

Clear Thinking?

“S.E. Cupp always adds a lively voice to the political discussion,” said John Barron, editor and general manager at Tribune Content Agency. “When taking on complex and controversial topics, she will always leave a reader with new knowledge, new perspectives and maybe even a change of mind.”

And as an example of Cupp’s lively voice taking on a controversial topic, here she is at TownHall exhorting Conservatives, Get Serious in which she spends an entire column persuading conservatives to not take seriously novelty 2016 Goat Rodeo candidate Ben Carson, without seemingly understanding that no one takes Carson seriously, least of all the Confederacy.

And as if on cue…

News That Will Drive You To Drink

Once again, we take our chances as we look inside Schroëdinger’s Box at Senator Rand Paul to see which side of what issue he is on today! Is he a flip-flopper? No, he’s Schroëdinger’s Candidate! Let’s open the box, shall we?

So hear that, young libertarians out there? Senator Paul speaking to a roomful of Y’all Qaeda preachers and pastors in a closed door session wants a tent revival because Marriage Equality is the result of a moral crisis. Sure sounds like someone who wants more freedom for everyone, huh?