News That Will Drive You To Drink, Ted Cruz Edition

Ted Cruz smells his record.

Ted Cruz smells his record.

The fact checkers weigh in: Canadian-born latino and immigrant-hating southern white supremacist Senator Ted Cruz only told the truth about a toilet:

“…But when Politifact decided to highlight the profiles of these various [CPAC]speakers, it reminded me of just how dishonest Cruz really is. He has been a U.S. Senator for just over two years and in that time Politifact has only deemed one of his 42 statements they’ve investigated to be “True.”

One.

And what was this one [TRUE] statement concerning? It was about toilet seats and the government regulations pertaining to businesses having to provide access to restrooms for workers and height requirements for public restrooms to accommodate people with disabilities. So, yes, Cruz was correct when he said that the government does regulate toilet seats.”

Takes a shit to know one, Teddy my boy!

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Karen Zipdrive)

Breaking:

Rand-in-box-1

Schröedinger’s Candidate, Rand Paul wins the CPAC straw poll for the third year in a row!

I propose we cut everyone’s taxes, from the richest to the poorest, Paul said.

Paul’s senior adviser Doug Stafford did not have further details to offer on Paul’s tax-cut proposal, but said it would be ready in a few weeks.

“Your check is in the mail, he only wants to put the tip in, and he promises not to splash in your mouth,” Stafford did not add.

The Evening Quote

jeb gets a job

“I’m not an expert on the ways of Washington.”

–The Smart Bush®, NotChimpy®, who is the grandson of a senator, the son of a preznint, and the baby brother of the worst preznint in modern history.

Scott Walker’s 3-Martini Stupid & POP QUIZ!

Scott Walker, the wall-eyed git hired to enrich the Koch Brothers answer is so completely empty (Our Lady of Merlot would have us believe that this is brilliant, disciplined, politicking), it is impossible to know that he was actually being asked about Net Neutrality.

For ⅓ of 1 point towards your final grade, pose a question for Scottie that could use his answer in the vid. Blue Books, #2 lead pencils only.

(I’m going with “Boxers or briefs?”)

Rake-stepping For Speed and Accuracy

Rubio and Charlie McCarthy

“The truth is, Sean, I don’t wanna be in politics my whole life. I wanna serve my country and do other things.”

“I don’t want my kids to grow up one day and ask me, how come you got to grow up in the greatest country in the world, but we get to live in a a country that’s diminished?”

So maybe you should quit now to do those other things you wanna do. Do it for the children, Marco.

Son of Derp: CPAC Schedule Round 3

Mooselini will be speaking, and no doubt trying to sell her remaindered books.

Mooselini will be speaking, and no doubt trying to sell her remaindered books.

This CPAC Hatenanny agenda is like a gift that keeps on giving or Herpes. Your choice.

  • Climate: What Tom Steyer Will Not Tell You

    On the panel: Bob Murray, Murray Energy Corporation, famous for the Crandall Canyon Mine Collapse.

  • Good Guys Reception

    Sponsored by the National Rifle Association. So, they have guns?

  • The Andrew Breitbart Defender of the First Amendment Award
  • Pope John-Paul II Special Program

    Eiron, the Goddess of Irony, laughed so hard she farted: hosted by staff-banging serial adulterer Newticles and the whore of Babble-on Callista Gingrich

  • The Politics of Cool: How Important Ideas Get Trivialized

    They don’t say if this is good, bad, or a how-to session.

News That Will Drive You To Drink

Grifters Gotta Grift

Short-fingered vulgarian Donald Trump

Short-fingered vulgarian Donald Trump

Short-fingered vulgarian The Donald really, Really, REALLY wants us to believe that this time he’s being serious about running in the 2016 Goat Rodeo:

In recent days, Trump said, he has hired staffers in key primary states, retained an election attorney and delayed signing on for another season as host of NBC’s “The Celebrity Apprentice” because of his political projects.

“Everybody feels I’m doing this just to have fun or because it’s good for the brand,” Trump said in an interview with The Washington Post. “Well, it’s not fun. I’m not doing this for enjoyment. I’m doing this because the country is in serious trouble.”

The moves are the most significant steps yet by Trump, 68, toward a bona fide presidential bid, which he considered briefly and flamboyantly in 2011 before deciding against a run.

The looming question, however, is whether he can convince Republicans that he is more than a celebrity bomb-thrower and instead is sincere in his consideration of a campaign. Trump is slated to appear ahead of former Florida governor Jeb Bush on Friday at the Conservative Political Action Conference, an annual gathering of conservatives near Washington.