The Super-Heroics of Ben Carson, Cont.

2016 Goat Rodeo novelty act Ben ‘Patton’ Carson continues his strange, vainglorious, self-aggrandizing oration, except this time instead of charging an Oregon gun killer, he’s storming the beaches of Normandy. No small ego there, to compare running for preznint to liberating France. Hmmm, maybe that’s why he keeps talking about Hitler and the Nazis?

Or maybe that’s a pep talk to the team at halftime to fire them up?

“Now go out there and take one for the gypper!”

News That Will Drive You To Drink: Rand Paul Edition

Happy Hour News Briefs


Schrödinger’s Candidate, the physics paradox known in this dimension as Rand Paul, the candidate from the multiverse where anything is possible including being elected in the 2016 Goat Rodeo and being elected to the Senate or both or neither can happen at the same time or never, has received the endorsement of a lifetime (or several): conspiracy theorist extraordinaire Alex Jones:

“It’s just weird how time flies,” he told his listeners. Now it was clear to him that Paul would “probably end up being president if we’re able to turn this country around. He’s got a real shot at it, except for the electronic voting machine fraud. I can read the tea leaves, as anyone can.”

Ah. Tea Leaves. So that’s the speed at which the Rand’s kinetic energy plus the gravitational potential energy of the voting machine is needed to “break free” from a gravitational field without further propulsion to achive victory!

So in the dimension where the voting machines are set to exclude Republicans, Schrödinger’s Candidate Rand Paul might have a problem, but, you know, everywhere else, he’s a shoe-in.

Alex Jones will cover the conspiracy if Rand doesn’t win. Count on it.

Your 3-Martini Stupid Is Served, Bobby Jindal

Christian Nationalist David Lane awards Bobby Dinal—and we're not making this up—The Gladiator Award

Christian Nationalist David Lane awards Bobby Dinal—and we’re not making this up—The Gladiator Award

Boy exorcist, volcano scholar and the leader of the Stupid Party, Bobby Jindal tells Iowa hate radio host Jan Mickelson what he would do to end mass gun murders:

“What a president can do and a candidate can do is one, publicly call for a time of prayer and spiritual renewal and unapologetically talk about our faith in the public square. I’m a Christian and I’m not embarrassed to talk about that.”

That Explains It!

Ben Carson Thinking Outside The Box

Thanks to the crack research team at Mock, Paper, Scissors, we taken literally moments to analyze Ben Carson’s genius and graph it using advanced, um, methods, graph it +/- 3%.

(Hat tip: Ed Kilgore at Washington Monthly for his analysis)

One Lump of Stupid or Two, Rupert?

This happened last night on Twitter:

…which led me to repost my favorite Fox News graphic:

Got it: white is patriotic.

Got it: white is patriotic.

Now, I’m not saying ol’ unca Rupie is a racist, but since when do old white gazillionaire dudes get to say who is really black and who is not? Does this imply that black dudes can say that some dude is really white?

The Romantic Stylings of John Kasich?

John Kasich separated at birth

This is just creepy:

“During a town hall campaign stop at the college campus, Kasich reportedly told a female student with a laugh, “I’m sorry, I don’t have any Taylor Swift tickets” when she “was nearly jumping out of her seat to get noticed,” The Collegian reported.

“At another point, he told another female student, “I’m sure you get invited to all of the parties,” according to the college paper.”

I’m sure Kasich intended it with good humor and mirth, but it still must have felt like having an older uncle try to kiss you on the lips.

“You’re the bee’s knees,” Kasich didn’t say, “let’s 23-skiddoo!”

To The Bat Pole, Ben Carson!

Ben Carson's Secret Alter Ego?

Ben Carson’s Secret Alter Ego?

All week we’ve been hearing about how 2016 Goat Rodeo novelty candidate Ben ‘Die Hard’ Carson would not let the Oregon killer shoot him, how Carson would charge at the bastard with all the other would-be victims and take him down. I know, ridiculous, right? Blaming the victim and dripping with testosterone seems to be a new skill set in Y’all Qaeda.

And once upon a time, he had a chance to test his muy macho man routine:

“I have had a gun held on me when I was in a Popeye’s organization,” Carson said on Karen Hunter’s Sirius XM Radio program.

“Guy comes in, put the gun in my ribs,” Carson said.

…So what happened when Carson allegedly faced just such a threat? He directed the gunman’s attention to an employee of the fast food restaurant.

“I just said, ‘I believe that you want the guy behind the counter,’” Carson said.

The retired brain surgeon did not explain what happened next.

I swear to blog, every time this man opens his mouth a little bat gets its wings.

Some Fries With Your Stupid, Rand Paul?


Let’s open the box with Schrödinger’s Candidate Rand Paul, the man on all sides of all issues all at once. Rand’s ingenious solution today on guns:

“I would have and encourage every school in American put stickers on every window going into the school saying, ‘We are armed. Come in at your own peril. We have concealed carry for teachers who have it and we also have armed security and you will be shot.’”

Yeah, because those stickers work so well for preventing burglers, too.


*Gasps for air*


Stopit, Bobby, yer killin’ me!

News That Will Drive You To Drink

Ah'm as popular as a fart in church back home!

Ah’m as popular as a fart in church back home!

Hey guys, remember earlier today when we cited Betteridge’s Law of Headlines, because the National Review asked if it was time for boy exorcist and noted volcano scholar Bobby Jindal to catch fire, and Scissorhead Kandance said that Jindal “couldn’t catch fire if he jumped in a swimming pool of gas with a lit match”?

Guess what?!

Jindal tried to jump into a pool of gasoline with a lit match:

“These acts of evil are a direct result of cultural rot, and it is cultural rot that we have brought upon ourselves, and then we act like we are confounded and perplexed by what is happening here,” Jindal said.

Jindal rattled off a litany of root causes, including the glorification of “sick and senseless acts of violence in virtually every element of our pop culture” — something he said had been going on for at least a generation.

He blamed violence in movies, TV shows, music and video games.

“Rape, torture, murder, mass murder, all are cinematic achievements,” Jindal said.
“Our music does the same thing, we promote evil, we promote the degradation of women, we flaunt the laws of God and common decency and we promote it all and we flood our young people with it.”

He said legal abortion and treatment of the elderly showed that “we have no regard for the sanctity of human life in any regard.”

But mostly, he blamed single mothers and absentee fathers.

“Let’s get really politically incorrect here and talk specifically about this horror in Oregon,” Jindal said. “This killer’s father is now lecturing us on the need for gun control and he says he has no idea how or where his son got the guns.”

Jindal continued his personal attack on the killer’s father.

“Of course he doesn’t know,” Jindal said. “You know why he doesn’t know? Because he is not, and has never been in his son’s life. He’s a complete failure as a father, he should be embarrassed to even show his face in public. He’s the problem here.”

“He brags that he has never held a gun in his life and that he had no idea that his son had any guns,” Jindal continued. “Why didn’t he know? Because he failed to raise his son. He should be ashamed of himself, and he owes us all an apology.”

Poof! some smoke, but no fire.

Buh-bye, Bobby. It wasn’t nice knowing you.