More Flip-Flops Than a Memorial Day Shoe Sale

Rand-Paul--Robocop

The Daily Banter is doing yeoman’s work trying to keep up with the 2016 Goat Rodeo’s Schröedinger’s Candidate Rand Paul’s latest changing positions on ISIS:

Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) is a national joke and anyone who thinks he’d make a swell president needs to pay a little more attention to the, you know, news. Yesterday, we reported the freshman senator’s latest in a bottomless cup of flip-flops in which he said, on the record, that he’d intervene militarily against the Islamic State, aka ISIS. Prior to being obviously hawkish, Paul condemned Hillary Clinton for being a hawk on the Middle East. Now he’s backpedaling on his flirtation with intervention. Surprise, surprise…

…Oh, yeah, it’s time for a president like Rand Paul who totally has a strategy — which is to not have any strategies that survive for more than a few minutes. His only consistent strategy is the one in which he says whatever’s necessary to get elected, even if it directly contradicts something he just said.

At this rate, by the weekend, Rand Paul will have taken every imaginable position on ISIS, including condemnations of his own prior positions. Because he has a strategy.

It’s great, good stuff. The Daily Banter is becoming a Daily Read for me.

Aqua Buddha Has A Plan!

Rand Paul wants to be left alone

Famous plagiarist, immigrant-dodging land-speed record holder and shag-carpet topped SEN. RAND PAUL, the Aqua Buddhist, tells us how he would deal with ISIS:

Speaking to a ballroom later, some of the loudest applause for Paul came when he quipped: “If the president has no strategy, maybe it’s time for a new president.”

In an emailed comment, however, Paul elaborated by saying: “If I were President, I would call a joint session of Congress. I would lay out the reasoning of why ISIS is a threat to our national security and seek congressional authorization to destroy ISIS militarily.”

Thanks for that, Patton.

Growing up, the young Aqua Buddhist must have heard the phrase “If I were president…” and assumed it was a common way to begin every declarative sentence. But that aside, the Do-Something Crowd (from the Do-Nothing Congress) seems to be confusing cause with effect again: You can bomb the rubble into smaller rubble and then into dust, but if Chimpy’s Excellent Adventure didn’t teach us anything else, it should have taught us that You Need A Plan.

And in related news, Tom Cruise is looking for a wife again.

He Forgot How To Spell “Alles”?

(Dallas News) Rick Perry’s hand cryptically has Uber written on it.

Now indicted theocrat secessionist nitwit Rick Perry had the word “Uber” written on his hand as he addressed the Koch Brothers’ Americans for Prosperity conference.

No one knows why, but I’ll go with product placement from the ubiquitous car service, or that he’s too dumb to remember it, or that he forgot to add “alles” to it.

That’s three, Rick.

Water Seeks Its Own Level…

Mitch McConnell

even filthy sewer water:

LOUISVILLE, Ky. (AP) – Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell’s campaign manager resigned Friday amid fallout from a scandal in Iowa involving a presidential campaign he worked for in 2012. Jesse Benton said he didn’t want to become a distraction as McConnell tries to win a tough re-election campaign in Kentucky.

“This decision breaks my heart, but I know it is the right thing for Mitch, for Kentucky and for the country,” Benton said in a statement.

For those of you keeping score at home, Benton’s resignation comes 2 months before the election, which I suppose is bad for amply bechinned Mitch.

The thread is sort of hard to follow on this because it involved our old pal One-L’s quixotic and doomed 2012 Goat Rodeo run. It seems that someone bribed state Sen. Kent Sorenson to quit as her campaign manager and join Crazy Uncle Liberty’s grift, er, campaign. What is funny about it is that no one knows if One-L bribed him to leave or if CUL bribed him to switch. Anyway, Mr. Benton worked for CUL and very possibly was the person with the envelope.

Grand Exalted Turtle Lodge Chief McConnell hired Mr. Benton from the Paul family allegedly as a way to make nice with the more popular Kentucky Senator Aqua Buddha. You may recall that Mr. Benton, a notorious Teabagger, famously described it as holding his nose until 2016 when he can help Rand Paul run in the 2016 Goat Rodeo.

So in essence, there you have it: some dumbass hayshaker in Iowa played out the drowning man swimming to the sinking ship scenario, brought down Bachmann and has now torpedoed the re-election campaign of our amply bechinned turtle overlord. Does this implicate McConnell? No. But it does show a complete lack of judgement and an end justifies the means mentality.

Here’s Some Coffee To Go With Your Morning Stupid

Rick Perry Guns and Sputter

They came here to help protect the border but now the first wave of Texas National Guard troops deployed after Governor Rick Perry made the call, are needing assistance to pay for food and gas.

“We were contacted that 50 troops that are in the Valley don’t have any money for food and gas and they need our assistance,” said Food Bank RGV Executive Director Terri Drefke.

They’ve turned to the Food Bank RGV for help since they won’t get paid until September 5th and have been in the Valley since August 11th.

But, you know, as far as meaningless gestures go, it’s helping an indicted Governor/Theocrat/Secessionist/Nitwit prepare for the 2016 Goat Rodeo.(Valley Central via Scissorhead Fran)

The War on Women, Cont.

women-for-mitt

It’s long been the position of this blog that there is a War on Women, and that it is a front in the larger War on Democracy being waged by the Xristian Xrazie Theocrats. Today, Tiger Beat on the Potomac (Thanks Charlie!) got their hands on a poll that sort of shows that Y’all Qaeda is truly loathed by women:

A detailed report commissioned by two major Republican groups — including one backed by Karl Rove — paints a dismal picture for Republicans, concluding female voters view the party as “intolerant,” “lacking in compassion” and “stuck in the past.”
Women are “barely receptive” to Republicans’ policies, and the party does “especially poorly” with women in the Northeast and Midwest, according to an internal Crossroads GPS and American Action Network report obtained by POLITICO…

…The report is blunt about the party’s problems. It says 49 percent of women view Republicans unfavorably, while just 39 percent view Democrats unfavorably.

…Female voters who care about the top four issues — the economy, health care, education and jobs — vote overwhelmingly for Democrats. Most striking, Democrats hold a 35-point advantage with female voters who care about jobs and a 26 percent advantage when asked which party is willing to compromise. House Republicans say jobs and the economy are their top priorities.

Meh. The skirts, whatchya gonna do, boys?

The groups suggest a three-pronged approach to turning around their relationship with women. First, they suggest the GOP “neutralize the Democrats’” attack that Republicans don’t support fairness for women. They suggest Republican lawmakers criticize Democrats for “growing government programs that encourage dependency rather than opportunities to get ahead.” That message tested better than explaining that the GOP supports a number of policies that could help fairness for women.

So the old tactic of baffling the broads with bullshit, eh, and then attacking the Safety Net. Yeah, that’ll work.

Two policies former House Majority Leader Eric Cantor promoted as a way to make inroads with middle-class women and families — charter schools and flexible work schedules — were actually the least popular policies among female voters.

Seriously, they thought that Gender Studies Scholar Iago was on to something? Cutting public education and cutting overtime pay were the way to women’s hearts? Why not just go through the chest, boys?

One bright spot is among married women. Married women without a college degree view Republicans favorably, the polling shows. Married women prefer a Republican over a Democrat, 48 percent to 38 percent.

sarcasm

So… If you keep ‘em dumb and married, you got them locked-in to vote for you! Say, that’s your policy goal anyway, so there’s the win-win solution!

Marco Rubio Dances Around the Rake

Rubio and Charlie McCarthy

Cuban-heritage fabulist, and grandson of an illegal immigrant Marco Rubio decided that the 2016 Goat Rodeo was more important than a long-held principled position on immigration, and so he rebukes and scolds the DREAMer Kids when they showed up to protest his flip-flop on Immigration Reform in South Carolina:

“We are a sovereign country that deserves to have immigration laws,” Rubio said. “You’re doing harm to your own cause because you don’t have a right to illegally immigrate to the United States.”

Which is a fine and brave thing to say to children who have lived here their entire lives and who did not choose to be here. But whatevs.

For an ambitious Republican looking to prove his conservative bona fides and rub out the stain of working with Chuck Schumer and Harry Reid, the interruption [by DREAM activists] was something of a gift. A plugged-in Republican operative turned to a reporter and observed dryly, “I couldn’t think of a better way to make Rubio look good in South Carolina.”

It almost seems too good to be real for Rubio. Makes me wonder if somehow or other he knew that this was coming?

The audience of nearly 1,200 conservatives jeered the protestors as Rubio waited for them to be escorted out of the Anderson Civic Center, scolding them in the process.

Because targeting brown kids is a right of passage in the GOP.

The crowd cheered him on. One elderly audience member shoved a protester as he weaved his way through the tables. Another, 73-year old Army veteran Turk Culberson, angrily stalked them out of the building, clutching his cane as if it were a baseball bat.

If you wanted to prove to the Y’all Qaeda base of the Party of the Confederacy, I cannot think of a better (legal) visual than belittling brown people while (white) seniors chase them out of the venue.

That said, Rubio kinda-sorta needs to have the non-Cuban hispanic vote if he stands a chance in the general election, so his Rake lives to be stepped on another day. So while the optics work for today, expect them to be used against him later. THWACK!

Here’s Your Eggs With a Side of Stupid

klingon face-palm

The GOP has released an old-school video game. You know, which is absolutely, positively guaranteed to attract the Michael Keaton, conservative youth of today, you know, if they happened to be alive in the ’80s.

As a party, Republicans have a great opportunity to win the Senate majority and create positive change in Washington. This year’s Republican Senate candidates are the strongest in decades (if not ever), and we want to raise awareness in every possible way. With that in mind, we are having a bit of fun with our approach.

The game features a patriotic elephant named Giopi, who happens to be one of the GOP’s best volunteers. Giopi leads you through four difficult levels, with a focus on one goal: winning a Republican Senate majority.

Tell us more!

GOP Video Game

You’ll need to watch out for the job-destroying “Taxers.” You can jump on top of them to suppress their high taxes.

So you squash your opponent? Ooooh-kay.

You’ll also have to dodge the “Mudslingers.” To escape their false and empty rhetoric, jump on them and mute their misleading words.

So you squash your opponent? and so it goes. Who says that the GOP has no strategy: talk down to your target and jump on your opponent.