News That Will Drive You To Drink

Naw, de-funding Planned Parenthood is not a War on Woman, says ¡JEB! the smartest Bush®, who is alleged to be the grown-up in the 2016 Goat Rodeo.

And in case you are wondering, Ms. Siddiqui is a political reporter for the Guardian.

The Horse Race

The 2016 Goat Rodeo!

The 2016 Goat Rodeo!

I was struck this morning while reading First Read (which I almost never do and I forgot was written by that neck with a mouth, Chuck Todd, until I got to the end of it to see the byline) that the Corporate Media is finally dropping all pretense and referring to the 2016 Goat Rodeo as a horse race, something all bloggers worth their salt have been accusing them of doing since the dawn of the innernet (emphasis mine):

“Here’s our top takeaway from the new NBC/WSJ poll we released last night: Almost everyone is in lousy shape. Hillary Clinton’s fav/unfav numbers dropped from 44%-40% (+4) in June to 37%-48% (-11) now — which gives her a worse popularity rating than President Obama has ever had during his presidency. Jeb Bush’s fav/unfav rating, at 26%-40% (-14) is even worse — and it’s worse than Mitt Romney ever had at any point in the 2012 race. And Donald Trump, who leads the GOP horserace, is at 26%-56% (-30). Ratings for other Republicans: Chris Christie (-13), Ted Cruz (-12), Rand Paul (-10), Mike Huckabee (-8), Scott Walker (-1), and Marco Rubio (+1). Even President Obama, who has enjoyed a renaissance in his poll numbers as of late, has seen his overall job-approval rating tick down three points to 45%. So the American public is down on almost every political figure and institution in our NBC/WSJ poll. The exceptions: Bernie Sanders (+5), John Kasich (+5), the NRA (+11), and Planned Parenthood (+15). We’ll have more on those Planned Parenthood and NRA numbers below.”

…and it goes on in that vein for quite a long while. Now, I’m not a betting man and so the over/under stuff always confuses me. My grandfather enjoyed the sporting life, shall we say, and I remember once upon a time him advising me at the county fair to never bet on the horse, but always bet on the jockey. And that’s as far as I go.

(I suppose in this instance the candidate is the nag and the jockey is the campaign manager, so that would have been ol’ Turdblossom riding Chimpy, and that mental image ought to be enough to put you off your feed.)

All that said, I think there’s an easier way to look at this information without all Chuck Todd’s ersatz Damon Runyon horse racing sheet. Here’s how Political Wire is reading the numbers. My analysis follows.

Making the debate:

(In ranked order.)

  1. Trump: 23.2%
  2. Bush: 12.8%
  3. Walker: 10.6%
  4. Carson: 6.6%
  5. Huckabee: 6.6%
  6. Cruz: 6.2%
  7. Rubio: 5.2%
  8. Paul: 4.8%
  9. Christie: 3.4%
  10. Kasich: 2.8%

So these candidates earned about 82.2% of the polling.

Not making the cut:

(Since they are not making the cut, why bother to rank them? But Taegan Goddard is much more up on these things than I, so who am I to judge. We include them here for the historical record.)

  1. Perry: 2.0%
  2. Santorum: 1.4%
  3. Jindal: 1.2%
  4. Fiorina: 1.0%
  5. Graham: 0.4%
  6. Pataki: 0.2%
  7. Gilmore: 0.2%

These candidates earned about 6.4 % of the poll.

When you add these numbers together you see that all the GOP contenders earned 88.6 percent of the polling, which means that 11.4% didn’t like anyone (for whatever reason).

So here’s another way of looking at the numbers:

  1. Trump: 76.8% would prefer someone else
  2. Bush: 87.2% would prefer someone else
  3. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ANYONE BUT THESE FOOLS! 88.4%
  4. Walker: 89.4% would prefer someone else
  5. Carson: 93.4% would prefer someone else
  6. Huckabee: 93.4% would prefer someone else
  7. Cruz: 95.8% would prefer someone else
  8. Rubio: 94.8% would prefer someone else
  9. Paul: 95.2% would prefer someone else
  10. Christie: 96.6% would prefer someone else
  11. Kasich: 97.2% would prefer someone else

So when your third place person is Jeebus-Lizard!, anyone else! the support for the others cannot be so great. These numbers are of course early in the Goat Rodeo and will change, but this is far from all the demons in Hell getting in line behind Donald Trump… or anyone else for that matter.

The Monster Speaks

Trumpenstein Monster from K-N-K

image: courtesy of Scissorhead Keith-not-Keith

“Real-estate mogul Donald Trump said Monday that he is in favor of Republicans moving to shut down the federal government in the Planned Parenthood funding fight.

“I can tell you this: I would,” the presidential candidate said when asked by conservative radio host Hugh Hewitt whether he supports shutting the government down in the fight.”

Santorum Is On Everyone’s Lips (ew, gross!)

Santorum Staff Flees The Campaign

Santorum Staff Flees The Campaign

Tiger Beat on the Potomac (thanks Charlie!) breathlessly tells us… Cash-strapped Rick Santorum campaign reshuffles staff

“Campaign manager Terry Allen, Iowa state coordinator Jon Jones and digital strategist Steve Hilliard — Allen’s son-in-law — departed several weeks ago, leaving the winner of the 2012 Iowa Caucuses without a campaign manager and raising questions about whether Santorum can last until Iowa votes on Feb. 1 next year.”

“…The former Pennsylvania senator had among the worst fundraising hauls of the entire presidential field, raising only about $600,000 and spending about 60 percent of that in his first fundraising quarter as a presidential candidate.”

Makes you wonder, really, why anyone thought that a sitting senator who lost his seat by double-digits would be a popular choice for preznint when the only policies that he promotes are theocracy. And, as Brother Pierce would add, have we mentioned what a colossal dick he is?

One Lump of Stupid or Two, Frothy?

no-gag reflex

no-gag reflex

That frothy mix of lube and fecal matter Rick Santorum said without snark at some sort of Konservative Klown Kar gathering…

Asked who he’d put on a new version of the bill, Santorum tells the crowd at Monday’s night GOP presidential forum in New Hampshire that “Carly’s a pretty good choice. Put Carly on the bill.”

…which makes perfect sense as the long-ago fired CEO of Hewlett Packard, Fire ‘Em All Fiorina lost more money than any person standing on any stage anywhere.

Today in Pandering

Ah'm as popular as a fart in church back home!

Ah’m as popular as a fart in church back home!

Noted boy exorcist and volcano scholar Bobby Jindal has unilaterally cut off funding for Planned Parenthood in the state of Louisiana:

“In recent weeks, it has been shocking to see reports of the alleged activities taking place at Planned Parenthood facilities across the country. Planned Parenthood does not represent the values of the people of Louisiana and shows a fundamental disrespect for human life,” Jindal said in a statement. “It has become clear that this is not an organization that is worthy of receiving public assistance from the state.”

Well, that’s not going to go over well with the Debutante season just starting. But it get’s better (or worse depending):

“The move comes despite the fact that the two Planned Parenthood clinics in Louisiana do not provide abortion, which Planned Parenthood confirmed to the state’s Department of Health and Hospitals as part of the state’s ongoing investigation into claims that the organization is profiting off of aborted fetal tissue donations. A third clinic being built in New Orleans plans to offer abortion, but will not participate in the tissue donation programs, a Planned Parenthood executive told the state.”

That’s Bobby Jindal in a nutshell: doing the unnecessary for nonexistent reasons, making things worse for people in his state while hoping to get a vote from the Xristian Xrazies.

News That Will Drive You To Drink: The Polls For The Fox Debate

The Fox News Debate Set (proposed by MPS)

The Fox News Debate Set (…proposed by MPS)

New York Magazine knows the polls that will be used to separate the men from the boys (“Oh, my!,” Senatorette Lindsey Graham did not say, “wah would y’all do that?”):

“According to a source with direct knowledge of the plans, Fox’s team of election analysts is currently crunching numbers to set the field. “It’s going to be the most recent polls by nonpublic entities,” the network source explained. “They need to be done with live interviewers, as opposed to internet responses like what Rasmussen does.” According to the source, candidates will be chosen from the following polls: Monmouth University (released today), NBC News/Wall Street Journal (August 2), Quinnipiac University (July 30), Bloomberg, CBS/New York Times, and Fox News (all releasing tomorrow). If a poll from ABC News or another organization fitting Fox’s criteria is released overnight, then it will be swapped in. Based on the five most recent polls that meet Fox’s standards, Trump will be center stage flanked by Jeb Bush and Scott Walker. On the bubble, it’s looking like Ohio governor John Kasich will edge out Rick Perry for the final spot. If current numbers hold, the remaining prime-time participants will be: Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, Mike Huckabee, Chris Christie, Ben Carson, and Rand Paul.”

On a related note, we’ve started work on the 2016 Goat Rodeo Drinking Game Rules. Be afwaid. Be vewy afwaid.

Bad Ads, Early Edition

Sweet Jeebus, what’s wrong with this man?! Given the death-cult gun worship in this country, I cannot imagine that the ammosexuals would take kindly to him trivializing their fetish-objects. The NRA should come after him too for being so glib about their object of affection.

Honestly I think this is offensive and insulting to all of his purported base.

Your 3-Martini Stupid is Served, Scottie!

What a moran.

Crouching Dragon, Hidden Goat

Goat on a slideGood lord, there’s yet another contender in the 2016 Goat Rodeo:

“WASHINGTON — Former IRS commissioner Mark Everson, a candidate for the GOP presidential nomination, will file a complaint with the Federal Election Commission on Monday alleging that he is being unfairly excluded from the first debate, he told USA TODAY.”

When did he climb into the Konservative Klown Kar?