Picture this: it’s three AM, the pizza boxes and empty beer cans are strewn about and in the smokey mist, all the undergrads are pontificating about how they will fix the world, you know, when their generation is in charge.
They hear a noise from a far corner of the suite, the bong is put down reverently, and immigrant-dodging land-speed record holder and shag-carpet topped Sen. Aqua Buddha takes the floor. All heads turn to him, dewy co-eds bat their eyes and the bros try to focus on his words:
“Our foreign policy should consist of, “Don’t be stupid.” The Aqua Buddhist takes another bodacious hit from the bong, and adds, “man.”
OK, I saved you the time from listening to his actual speech that he gave to The Center for the National Interest, a think tank founded by Richard Nixon. I don’t know if he payed a licensing fee to Google for essentially borrowing their moronic mission statement (unobserved) “Don’t Be Evil,” but I kinda doubt that a known plagiarist would do that.
Seriously, here are some of the things he said in his brave speech:
- “War is necessary when America is attacked or threatened, when vital American interests are attacked and threatened, and when we have exhausted all other measures short of war.”
- “Congress, the people’s representative, must authorize the decision to intervene.”
- “Peace and security require a commitment to diplomacy and leadership.”
- “We are only as strong as our economy.”
As one of my writing professors once said to me, never turn down a good aphorism, and I cannot think of a single freshman at Cal that would disagree with any of Paul’s statements.
But my favorite quote has got to be:
“America shouldn’t fight wars where the best outcome is stalemate.”
Or maybe it’s this one:
“America should and will fight wars when the consequences—intended and unintended—are worth the sacrifice.”
Remember the three AM scenario at the top of this post? Yeah, I think that was when he wrote that line.