Rand Paul’s Dorm Room


Picture this: it’s three AM, the pizza boxes and empty beer cans are strewn about and in the smokey mist, all the undergrads are pontificating about how they will fix the world, you know, when their generation is in charge.

They hear a noise from a far corner of the suite, the bong is put down reverently, and immigrant-dodging land-speed record holder and shag-carpet topped Sen. Aqua Buddha takes the floor. All heads turn to him, dewy co-eds bat their eyes and the bros try to focus on his words:

“Our foreign policy should consist of, “Don’t be stupid.” The Aqua Buddhist takes another bodacious hit from the bong, and adds, “man.”

OK, I saved you the time from listening to his actual speech that he gave to The Center for the National Interest, a think tank founded by Richard Nixon. I don’t know if he payed a licensing fee to Google for essentially borrowing their moronic mission statement (unobserved) “Don’t Be Evil,” but I kinda doubt that a known plagiarist would do that.

Seriously, here are some of the things he said in his brave speech:

  1. “War is necessary when America is attacked or threatened, when vital American interests are attacked and threatened, and when we have exhausted all other measures short of war.”
  2. “Congress, the people’s representative, must authorize the decision to intervene.”
  3. “Peace and security require a commitment to diplomacy and leadership.”
  4. “We are only as strong as our economy.”

As one of my writing professors once said to me, never turn down a good aphorism, and I cannot think of a single freshman at Cal that would disagree with any of Paul’s statements.

But my favorite quote has got to be:

“America shouldn’t fight wars where the best outcome is stalemate.”

Or maybe it’s this one:

“America should and will fight wars when the consequences—intended and unintended—are worth the sacrifice.”

Remember the three AM scenario at the top of this post? Yeah, I think that was when he wrote that line.

There’s Santorum On Your Radio (Ew, Gross!)


That frothy mix of lube and fecal matter Rick Santorum believes that The Youte of Today would be down with hating on the ‘mos, if the Lavender Menace hadn’t silenced the Church:

“The arguments are being won among young people. We are losing in this particular area among young people not because we’re out there and competing, it’s because they have effectively silenced the church on a lot of those issues and young people don’t even know what the opposing view is on these issues.”

(Right Wing Watch)

Today In Sedition


Canadian-born latino and immigrant-hating southern white supremacist Senator Ted Cruz suggests to noted hate radio personality Steve Deace that people of faith should just ignore laws that they don’t agree with, especially those dealing with gay americans:

The Unabridged Chris Christie

“Would you rather have Rick Scott in Florida overseeing the voting mechanism, or Charlie Crist? Would you rather have Scott Walker in Wisconsin overseeing the voting mechanism, or would you rather have Mary Burke? Who would you rather have in Ohio, John Kasich or Ed FitzGerald?”

–He actually said that out loud.

Dinner At The Paul’s House

Rand Paul groundhog day driving

Here we go again: père et fils Paul are fighting in public:

In an interview with Fox News radio host John Gibson last week, Rand Paul argued that a ban on people traveling from west African “ought to be considered.”

“It’s not like AIDS,” he explained. “AIDS is difficult to transmit. You’re not going to go into a cocktail party and have someone cough and get AIDS. If you are in a cocktail party with someone with Ebola and they cough, you are at risk for getting Ebola.”

OK, pretty stupid for a number of reasons we’ve discussed before. But let’s hear what his dad The Gold Bug, who actually is a medical doctor (and not a Lens Grifter), has to say on the topic:

“For a government to just ban all travel, I’m not much interested in that,” the former Republican presidential candidate told Newsmax. “You’ve got to put it in perspective. What if you wanted to save 15,000 deaths from AIDS this year. Why don’t you ban certain practices that spreads AIDS? So, we’re talking about one person that’s died [of Ebola in the U.S.] and we want to close down the world travel system.”

And right about at that point Mrs. Goldbug probably started weeping and asked, “Who wants pancakes?,” as Rand runs out of the house to go to Sally’s, hot tears streaming down his peach-fuzzed cheeks.

(Raw Story)

STFU, Rand Paul

Rand Paul wants to be left alone

Famous plagiarist, immigrant-dodging land-speed record holder and shag-carpet topped SEN. RAND PAUL tried to make a funny today when he deflected criticism that Y’all Qaeda cut funding for the CDC by about half over the last 10 years:

“We have people who go blithely on TV and say we don’t have enough money to study Ebola. Have you seen what the NIH spends money on?” Paul, a prospective 2016 presidential candidate, said at a campaign rally for Republican congressional candidates Dave Brat and Ed Gillespie.

“Nine-hundred thirty-nine thousand dollars spent to discover whether or not male fruit flies would like to consort with younger female fruit flies,” the senator said to laughter. “One hundred seventeen thousand dollars spent to determine if most monkeys are right handed and like to throw poop with their right hands.”

And the NIH spent $2.4 million for an “Origami condom,” said Paul, who said he spared folks in the room an explanation because it was a family audience.

OK, so he’s mocking studies on fruit flies and monkeys, which is a classic Republican trick, the equivalent of Both Sides Do It. Make fun of something silly to cast doubt on something serious. Where Aqua Buddha innovates on this rhetorical dodge is then smarmily adding the bit about the Origami Condom, and pruriently adding that he will not discuss it in a family-friendly venue. As we have said in MPS on many of these occasions, he’s riding his high horse on a low road.

Let’s examine what he’s mocking, family friendly or not. Go to the Origami Website and take a look around.

The company’s name, Origami, comes from the fact that they make condoms that don’t unroll. Those of us who have used rolled condoms can tell you, there are plenty of ways that things can go wrong. Origami also is making condoms for women, and condoms specifically for anal sex. The Gates Foundation has also given Origami money ” to improve the health of people in the developing world.”

Let’s say it plainly: condoms in the developing world is about staunching the spread of HIV/AIDS. That is definitely worthy of studying and funding.

So Paul is mocking:

  • an attempt to make condoms safer, more pleasurable, and more foolproof so that people will use them more consistently
  • a chance for women (in the developing world, and here at home) to have some low-cost control over their sexual choices, and to help control unwanted pregnancy
  • an attempt to staunch the spread of STDs

So back to tactics: why is Rand Paul making a joke about condoms? Because it distracts the press and the people from the fact that Republicans are responsible for cutting public health spending. In effect he’s using AIDS to to distract from Ebola.

Rand Paul is a monster.

2016 Goat Rodeo Rider Is Angry

So Reince, how is that rebranding working out? If I were you (hahahaha), I would take Gomer up on his offer and kick him out of your club. Something like:

2016: Saddle-Up Another Goat!

choo-choo train

Rob Portman’s Iowa tour


Asked about his own prospects for a presidential bid in 2016, Portman said: “I’m totally focused on 2014 now.”

“As you can tell,” he said, eating a blueberry croissant at Caribou Coffee on Ingersoll Avenue in Des Moines, “I’ve been in I think eight states already and I’ll probably be in another five or six before the end of this month. That’s my focus. Getting this majority is, I think, the first important step toward turning this country around, and frankly, winning in 2016. But after the election I’ll take a look at it. I am worried about the direction of our country. And that’s my passion. But I’m going to wait until after the election.”

Bawh-ha-ha! Rob Portman was Chimpy McStagger’s Budget Director. Let’s watch him try to dodge that ball, so to speak.

The Morning Quote

“If I get through my general election, if nobody steps up in the presidential mix, if nobody’s out there talking — me and [Arizona Republican Sen. John] McCain have been talking — I may just jump in to get to make these arguments,” he said.

–Senatorette Huckleberry Closetcase Lindsey Graham

And you say that the GOP would never consider a woman or a minority for the 2016 Goat Rodeo?


Thank you Jeebus!

Bachmann and cheddar

Bachmann Again Hints at Run for President

“The only thing that the media has speculated on is that it’s going to be various men that are running,” she told RCP. “They haven’t speculated, for instance, that I’m going to run. What if I decide to run? And there’s a chance I could run.”