Terminator 4: Rise of Our Lunches

Well, here’s a grim alternate reality Sci-fi plot-line:

As Mitt Romney struggled in the weeks leading up to the Michigan primary, Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum nearly agreed to form a joint “Unity Ticket” to consolidate conservative support and topple Romney. “We were close,” former Representative Bob Walker, a Gingrich ally, says. “Everybody thought there was an opportunity.” “It would have sent shock waves through the establishment and the Romney campaign,” says John Brabender, Santorum’s chief strategist.

Let’s see, a staff-banging, serial-adulterer and a Xristian Xrazie scold team up to defeat magic-panties wearing cyborg, and saves the world from certain doom at the hands of the Kenyan Usurper Hawaiian Debbil.

What went wrong?

But the negotiations collapsed in acrimony because Gingrich and Santorum could not agree on who would get to be president.

Let’s think on this a moment… President Blow Job Aficionado or President Frothy Mix of Fecal Matter and Lube? So hard to decide!

So what did Newticles think?

Gingrich thought that he belonged on top of the ticket. “Our reasoning,” says Walker, “is that we had won a major primary at that point [South Carolina] and people like Rick Perry were coming on board. Perry had just endorsed Newt.”

And what did Cardinal Blueballs think?

To Santorum’s team, however, the Gingrich campaign was a sinking ship, and their own man was the obvious choice to lead the ticket. “At the end of the day,” says Brabender, “we won 11 states and tied two others. He won two states, which makes it only logical that Rick was the one who had earned the right to go one-on-one with Romney.”

So there must have been a tie-breaker, what was it?!

Finally, the two candidates spoke face-to-face at an energy forum just before the primary. Gingrich made an elaborate historical argument that when the party hasn’t been able to agree on a nominee, it always settles on the senior figure. Santorum wasn’t persuaded, and urged Gingrich to do what was best for the conservative movement.

When in doubt, make up some history! The Gingrich way!

But what happened?

In the end, they both dropped out. Romney trudged on unimpeded, eventually emerging as the victor.

And even then no one liked what the GOP was selling, so he lost. The End.

(Business Week)

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