Contest Announcement: Name them

Scissorheads

Get your spitballs ready, and put on your propeller beanies. It is time we got serious.

We’ve long had a sobriquet for Petunia

…but we’ve struck out with a loving nickname for The Dumb One:

…and The Other Dumb One seems sort of derivative:

Help us give them names worthy of Petunia.

The prize? An original, signed cartoon (photoshop) of the three of them, delivered to you. Put your nominations in the comments, and the MPS Super-Team will vote on a winner in a completely opaque, non-binding way, whenever we get around to it. Bribes are not beneath us (this is the US, after all), and toadying is encouraged.

Now, get cracking!

Regards,

The Management

47 thoughts on “Contest Announcement: Name them

  1. I originally named them after observed traits, but those names are cumbersome and superficial (as am I). After giving it some thought:

    The Dumb One, I would call Ricin, because it causes severe diarrhea and its victims can die of shock.

    And The Other Dumb One, I would call Ratatouille. That comes from the French word “touiller” which means to toss food.

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  2. Doocy already is the perfect nickname for the other dumb one. Duece-y as in “number 2″, “dropping a deuce”
    Shit-y.
    Deucey is perfect.

    the Dumb One however is tougher. He’s like Rainman without the skills, Idiot Savant without the Savant.
    Savantless doesn’t get it.

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  3. Doocy seems like he should be easy, but he’s not.
    Kilmeade is truly a tough nut to crack. Nobody has nicknamed KillMe.
    This calls for research.
    The defining moment for these three is when Petunia walked off the set after Killme’s sexist joke.

    A. When Petunia’s was on “The View” she said her nickname on the fox set is “B.A. for Bad Ass, but in a good way.”
    And her nickname at home is “Sparkles”

    B. Gawker called the crew “Irradiated mealworms” http://gawker.com/5842910/aw-fox–friends-think-people-want-them-dead also “desiccated old praying mantis Steve Doocy” but a mantis looks terrifying and is a predator, and that doesn’t fit Doocy. The insect theme might work better for Kilmeade.

    C. Quoting Wonkette “We are going to assume we are not the only ones who can detect a whiff of Eau de Date Rape wafting in the air around Mr. Kilmeade?) And he’s always jeering and frat-boying around and he never even sticks a dollar in the Douche Jar!” Eau de Date Rape! excellent.

    D. Kilmeade has been involved in the Massapequa Soccer Club. Their 5 and 6 year old team is called “Squirts” It kinda fits his juvenile and sexist attitude. Don’t think it’s right to mock him for supporting the kids though. “Squirts” is pretty good, can you use it?

    E. Kilmeade discussed President Barack Obama’s response to Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab’s failed bomb attack when he referred to Abdulmutallab as the “would-be crotch bomber.” Doocy then shifted the discussion to a lighter tone, in which he lauded Kilmeade’s apparently original nickname. After a few laughs Carlson decided to make this stupid comment: “It’s impossible to say his last name anyway.” How does this sound “Brian (would-be crotch bomber) Kilmeade.

    F. Colbert treats Kilmeade like BillO treats Olbermann, he never says his name, Cobert calls him “The brown haired guy who isn’t Steve Doocy” http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/111477/october-11-2007/black-haired-guy-who-isn-t-steve-doocy
    Maybe… Brian “It’s a Rug” Kilmeade.

    G. Speaking of Olbermann, he once took some heat after calling KillMe “Unamerican Bastard”. The quote is ” “Not all unamerican bastards are Brian Kilmeade, but all Brian Kilmeades are unamerican bastards.” I think Keith deserves some slack for that one, because using propaganda techniques against fox is fair game.

    H. Joesdaughter (above) said “Clouseau” and that resonates for Doocy.

    My favorites so far are “Clouseau” and “Squirts”

    P.S. They have titled their webcast “After the Show Show”, which many have begun abbreviating A.S.S. http://video.foxnews.com/v/3940355/

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  4. Since TG has set the tone and genre of the names(loony tunes B or C-list) it seems appropriate to continue in that vein.

    Doocy = Beaky Buzzard
    Kilmeade = Thaaaaaa…..CRUSHER!

    Alternatives:

    Doocy = Rocky
    Kilmeade = Mugsy

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  5. All the verbal associations I came to after viewing those photos:

    Dialog suppository
    Tapeworm mating ritual
    Stock photography trainee
    Under-counter bubblegum discovery
    Studio appliance
    Suspected ringleader of community college hazing ritual involving prunes, oysters and a bicycle pump.
    Oratory Phallus
    PatBoones_GreatestHits.mp3

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  6. Keeping with the flower theme:

    1. Wilted Tulip (Wilt for short) for the dumb-one (google Kertesz & “Melancholic Tulip”)

    and

    2. Stink Horn for the other (OK, OK, I know it’s a fungus)

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  7. I’d suggest one be called Box (of rocks) and the other Bag (of hammers). But really they’re both so goddamned stupid and interchangeable why bother even differentiating between them? How bout the The Dumbshit Twins?

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  8. When I lived in the DC area in the 90s, Doocy was a regular on the local NBC affiliate. He was called “our resident zany.” Still fits the moron.

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  9. I think we should continue the cartoon character theme:

    Elmer and Wylie.

    I don’t know which guy is which so use those names in whatever way is appropriate.

    “Kill the wabbit!”

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    • MPK –

      Welcome to MPS (so close, so close), it is good to have you with us.

      Whenever we can get the MPS Superteam together to sort this one out (Hurrican Sandy is keeping Axle Grease busy), we will put your nominations in the running!

      Regards,

      Tengrain

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    • Court Jester –

      Welcome to MPS, it is good to have you with us.

      I don’t watch it either, I just look for highlights. Petunia almost never lets me down. As for Dooce-bag, we will absolutely consider that nomination, and I’m embarrassed to say it never occurred to me.

      Regards,

      Tengrain

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  10. After much consideration, I think coming up with a new name for Steve Doocy is the exact opposite of what we should do. That is, instead of choosing a name that sums up the idiocy, cluelessness and yet completely undeserved self confidence that is the Deuce, we should embrace the name Doocy as a term to describe these qualities. For instance, “Boy, Palin sure cut loose a world class Doocy today,” or “Did you hear Brownie’s Doocy on FEMA’s response to hurricane Sandy yesterday?”

    Like

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