The MPS Guide to the VP Sweepstakes

The crack research team at Mock, Paper, Scissors has done it again! We spent literally moments putting together our handy-dandy cut-out-and-keep guide to the GOP Vice Preznint 2012 Goat Rodeo!

Many thanks to unindicted co-conspirators GRS and Axel Grease.

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Candidate Pro Con Handicap
Minnesota Member of Congress Michele Bachmann bachmann-straight-jacket There would never be a dull moment as Bachmann-the-Nut makes up her own version os US History and talks to her invisible friends, adjusting her tinfoil hat and hiding behind plants.. Bat-shit insane. Says God wanted her to run. Husband Marcus makes GOP men tighten their sphincters.
Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour boss-hogg-barbour He looks like Boss Hogg, sounds like Boss Hogg, acts like Boss Hogg. Dukes of Hazzard revival eminent if he is selected. Boss Hogg might be a racist southerner, or might be a GOPer. Madam Hogg didn’t want him to run for preznint, and withheld sex until she got her way. Ewww, gross.
Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush The Bush Crime Family dynasty continues! Chimpy. His appalling family.
Fast Food Former CEO, Herman Cain Herman Cain surreal Wants to run government like a business. “Doesn’t matter if it is a pizza, or a burger, or the White House: a problem, is a problem, is a problem.” “9-9-9!” CainBlack Walnut claims that President Obama has brainwashed black americans, except for himself, that is. Noted as one of the primary saboteurs of Clinton’s Healthcare Plan, Black Walnut ran for Senate in Georgia not knowing that he was black, and lost.
Majority Leader Eric Cantor cantor-from-Planet-K-OS Southern and Jewish, will be interesting to watch wingnuttia’s heads explode Eric Cantor is the closest thing to an Iago in American Politics. No one trusts him.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie Hates unions and gay marriage, former lobbyist, will solve budget by asking billionaires to “write a check” Hates partisan attacks except when he threatens to go “Jersey Style” on his own party. Loves Muslims so much that he lets them live in his state, even nominating one of them to be a judge!
Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels Mitch Daniels surreal Smartest man in the room, but not in a Newticles way. His wife keeps leaving him for other men. Daniels was Chimpy’s budget director.
Former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich Newt-and-Callista Two words: Moon Colony. Often contradicts himself, even in the same sentence. A complete sociopath, there is no lie too small to tell to David Gregory, who will will nod his head in agreement. Staff-banging serial adulterer married his third wife and former mistress, Callista, who could suck rocks through a garden hose.
South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley Haley Would help with Willard’s women problem. Keeps telling women that there is no war on women and that they really want to be soccer moms, so shut up about birth control. South Carolina Governors get lost on the appalachian trail, so to speak.
Former Arkansas Governor, Mike Huckabee Huckabee-and-the-Squirrel Knows a secret way to cook up squirrels in the popcorn popper. Is married to notable fashion plate, the Gomerette. Kids pack heat, and have problems with bringing guns on planes. Al Qada? Another GOPer who thinks that God talks to him (Is mental illness catching? Yes.) Gomer is the darling of the Xristian Xrazies, and would never play second fiddle to a Mormon.
Former Utah Governor, Jon Huntsman) Billionaire REO Speedwagon fanboy. Former ambassador to Communist China for the Kenyan Usurper Hawaiian Devil Baby President Obama. He and Willard hate each other; cousin rivalry.
Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal Under-the-Volcano-with-Bubba Hates science and earmarks, unless he can perform an exorcism on them first. Impossible for him to look and sound anymore like Kenneth from 30 Rock. Penned “Beating a Demon.” Potentially a metaphor or a lifted title from a Lynne Cheney erotic novella.
Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell Bob-McDonnell-keeps-a-light-burning Looks straight out of Central Aryan Casting. High brow snob as he has 4 degrees – from Notre Dame, Boston University and TWO from Regents. Interned with the man the French cannot get enough of – Jerry Lewis (R-CA). Reinstated Confederate History Month – ignoring the fact that slavery was even part of the Civil War. Wanted to put a toll booth up on the North Carolina border. Wrote law to force women to have a probe shoved up their lady parts without their permission and for no medical reason before terminating a pregnancy. Conveniently denied having anything to do with that law when he realized it might hurt his chances at the Sarah Palin Memorial Award for the most evil and uncaring Vice Presidential candidate. Looks eerily like Dan Quayle.
Former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin Mooselini's-plan Part-time Governor and full-time Grifter, Mooselini has entered more words into the dictionary than most people alive. Taaahd. She likes to put bullseye targets on political enemies, which includes most of the US.
Ron Paul (R- Texas) Ron-Paul-Shrugged Denies his own newsletters; invokes applause at poor people dying. Market solutions! Ron is a Texan. Senator Rand Paul is his son.
Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty Sleeping-Tea-Paw Mr. Excitement, Tea-Paw makes Willard 2.0 almost seem alive. Hired drunks from Alabama to do breaking and entering/outreach in Iowa. Only GOPer in history to run for Preznint and get turned down by Fox News for a show.
Texas Governor Rick Perry Expert user of back-pain medicines, might be willing to share. Secessionist theocrat, Gov. Goodhair’s family compound is known as Niggerhead. Confused by geography, economy, political science, words with syllables.
Former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice condi is a looker Allegedly a woman, Rice might help with Willard’s gender problem. Firmly associated with Chimpy. Would interfer with her shoe shopping hobby.
Senator Mark Rubio Rubio's-amazing-story Rubio might help with GOP’s out reach to minorities. After endorsing Willard 2.0, he immediately said he wished someone else was running. Notorious liar about his family history, especially fleeing from Cuba.
Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum His Google Problem. Alerted horn-dog Senator John Ensign that he was about to be outed by the cuckolded husband of his mistress. Brought home aborted baby Gabriel and posed for pictures with it, made children say hello to it.

16 thoughts on “The MPS Guide to the VP Sweepstakes

    • Reamus -

      These are people that have been mentioned numerous times as potential VP jockeys. That said, the GOP has a long history of choosing thumb suckers from the minor leagues (Dan Quayle? Mooselini?) so there could be a dark horse (so to speak, but probably a white one) in the wings that surprises us all.

      Truthfully: I think that Mooselini screwed the pooch for women. I’ll be surprised if there is a woman on a national ticket even in 2016.

      Rgds,

      TG

      Like

  1. I hope you have noticed that all of the nutters who said god told them to run to be president, have now dropped out. What is the meaning of this? God has a wicked sense of humor? God hates them and pulled a huge prank? These people are freaks? There is no god?

    I know what direction I am headed.

    Like

  2. I don’t know what type of sense of humor this ‘god’ being has but I bet he’s still laughing his ass off.

    And maybe doing a little crying too.

    Like

  3. Hey, gang, you forgot one:
    BARACK OBAMA:
    Pro:
    Used Romneycare as the basis for his Historically Historic Healthcare “Reform”, including the creation of a captive “customer base” for the health insurance industry.
    Con: Has a little “D” after his name.
    Handicap: His melanin problem.

    GO ROMBAMA 2012!

    Like

  4. Kudos. Very, very nice. At this point, I’m now leaning toward an obscure state delegate from Iowa or a drain commissioner from Missouri.

    Like

  5. My money’s on McDonnell. He’s already proven his bona fides to the wingnuts and he’s so handsome! Someone that good looking would never do anything bad to the American people, right?

    Like

    • RobG – I only saw one mention of him for VP, and that was from Mooselini, so I didn’t consider him. If he gets a few more whispers, we will add him to the mix.

      Any other fantasy league players?

      Rgds,

      TG

      Like

  6. This is pretty clever on the whole, but no Dukes of Hazzard revival could ever be “eminent” or distinguished, I think “imminent”/ soon is intended.

    And I’d bet Condy’s poorly concealed lesbianism is probably a bigger Handicap for RePug voters than shoe-shopping, a nice, appropriate Girlie pursuit.

    Like

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